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V4Guss
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  • Left the FiC Steam group today. I know I started it, but no one ever seemed to use it and that's partly my fault I know, sorry. If anyone wants to try again with it, go ahead. Removed what few people I had in my Steam Friends List as well since I never interact with them and have forgotten why I friended them. I think they may have something to do with SB/FiC/QQ, but other than that I have no idea.

    Also probably taking a bit of a break from FiC/QQ/SB, at least while detoxing from antispychotics.
    • Hugs
    Reactions: Eliar and t-dugong
    T
    Terra Novan
    That reminds me that I am part of the SB Steam group. Totally forgot about that until now. Remind me, what exactly is the function of the Steam group again?
    V4Guss
    V4Guss
    Never been part of the SB group so I don't know about that. The FiC group was the first one I joined and from what I could tell it didn't serve much purpose because of a lack of interaction and interest.

    Also I'm on day five without antipsychotics and I actually feel better. My head feels clearer, my thoughts and emotions don't feel dulled. I'm actually feeling some passion an enjoyment for some things I haven't in awhile with just the other psych meds. I've had a couple episodes admittedly in the first couple days and I expect more in the future, but I've reached a point where I feel like using antipsychotics as a mood stabilizer is a bad idea. Aside from the more obvious side effects it seems like it's not worth it if the highs are hammered out with the lows.

    Who are we
    ?

    Who we are. Just what we're taken as being. What we know and what we do. No less or more.

    Information being passed on. Patterns, galaxies, stellar systems, planets, all evolve; matter in the raw changes, progresses in a way. Life is a faster force, reordering, finding new niches, starting to shape; intelligence consciousness - an order quicker, another new plane.
    Beyond was unknown, too vague to be understood (ask a Dra'Azon, perhaps, and wait for the answer)... all just refining, a process of getting it more right (if right itself was right)...

    And if we tamper with our inheritance, so what? What is more ours to tamper with? What makes nature more right than us? If we get it wrong, that's because we are stupid, not because the idea was bad. And if we are no longer on the breaking edge of the wave, well, too bad. Hand on the baton; best wishes; have fun.

    Everything about us, everything around us, everything we know and can know of is composed ultimately of patterns of nothing; that's the bottom line, the final truth. So where we find we have any control over those patterns, why not make the most elegant ones, the most enjoyable and good ones, in our own terms? Yes, we're hedonists, Mr Bora Horza Gobuchul. We seek pleasure and have fashioned ourselves so that we can take more of it; admitted. We are what we are. But what about you? What does that make you
    ?

    Who are you?

    What are you?

    A weapon. A thing made to deceive and kill, by the long-dead. The whole subspecies that is the Changers is the remnant of some ancient war, a war so long gone that no one willing to tell recalls who fought it, or when, or over what. Nobody even knows whether the Changers were on the winning side or not.

    But in any event, you were fashioned, Horza. You did not evolve in a way you would call 'natural'; you are the product of careful thought and genetic tinkering and military planning and deliberate design... and war; your very creation depended on it, you are the child of it, you are its legacy.

    Changer change yourself... but you cannot, you will not. All you can do is try not to think about it. And yet the knowledge is there, the information implanted, somewhere deep inside. You could - you should live easy with it, all the same, but I don't think you do
    ...

    And I'm sorry for you, because I think I know now who you really hate.
    I'm aware I'm a huge cynic and jaded from past experiences. Am I bad person because of that? Is it wrong to be cynical and expect the worst outcomes?

    My philosophy is to keep my head down and not expect any good, but hope whatever bad comes won't bother me. I don't expect any of my actions to affect the world positively so I just hope to cause the fewest ripples as it were and take what pleasure is available to me and minimize my pain and suffering.

    Occasionally if I can and it's not out of my way I help people in need or take what people offer me. I don't really actively or intentionally do good or bad I guess, mostly neutral things. If I had an alignment it would be the sort of "Apathetic", "I don't care", "It's not my problem", and "Leave me alone" sort of True Neutral.
    Why does it seem like everything has to be political? Everything seems like it has to have an agenda or a message. Entertainment to real life. Everything has to be criticized due to controversy of some sort. Nearly everyone has to have a political opinion it seems and can't just let it go or shut up about it and so many seem to revolve their lives around politics. People are judging and avoiding others based on political stance and demonizing anyone who doesn't agree with them. There's even examples of people basing friends and relationships on politics. It seems like we're more divided than ever because of this petty nonsense and people appear to have done this voluntarily. It's like we can't handle a difference in opinion. It's seems like there's less rational discourse and more "Anyone who doesn't share my views or I don't agree with is evil."

    How did we get to this point? Were humans really just always like this? It seems like most humans need a reason to hate each other or divide themselves between "us and them".

    I'm starting to realize I may be something of a misanthrope and this is part of the reason for it.
    “Am I really here?”
    “What do you mean by "you" anyway? Are you your arm or your leg?”
    “Partly.”
    “Really? If you lost all your limbs, wouldn’t you still be you?”
    “I’d still be me.”
    “So, what is the "me"?”
    “My brain, I suppose.”
    "Your brain? Your brain is a body part. Like your fingernail or your heart. Why is that the part that’s you?”
    “Because I have sort of a voice in my head, the part of me that thinks, that feels, that is aware that I exist at all.”
    "So if you're aware you exist, then you do. That's why you're still here."

    "Your brain is meat, and rots and disappears. Do you really think that's all there was to you? Like you're in your house right now. You're in your house, that doesn't mean you are your house. House falls down, you get out and walk away."
    Missed you, my friend. How are you?
    V4Guss
    V4Guss
    Got really into Elder Scrolls Online, even paid an annual subscription, which is where I've been for the past two months. Finally got fed up with interacting with RP community... its drama and its demands. Everything ranging from being told to rewrite a character because it's not lore compliant enough, or it doesn't fit with the guild I'm interested in, or it stands out too much. Inane nonsense like purists saying it's lore breaking to use certain mounts or pets or that certain classes are lore breaking if played as described. Oh and drama like getting offended at referring to Vivec as a hermaphrodite when he's described like that in lore even with me repeatedly stating that I understood that hermaphrodite is offensive when referring to transgender individuals, but I was using it in the biological sense such as animals, fictional species, or gods. This person claimed referring to an animal or fictional species such as Hutts or Idirans as hermaphrodites was offensive which is nonsense to any sane person who isn't an idiot. This resulted in me getting ignored by a number of people in a Discord. People getting offended when I simply said "rape culture" was an unuseful term and rather misandrist and them saying this made them feel "unsafe" which caused a nascent guild to fall apart and them blaming the guy running it I was told when I talked to him and caused me to get called a rape apologist when I was not insulting or angry in the slightest just stating an opinion. They're the one who brought the term up in the first place. God forbid we offend anyone, or make them feel unsafe, or simply disagree with them because feelings are what really matter instead of logical thought.

    I'm sorry... I'm just angry right now. I uninstalled that game, left every Discord I was in with ESO, deleted my posts on the RP forums. I want nothing to do with the game or its community at this point.
    BTW we have new discord now as tuna ran the old one, it's replaced the old forum links.
    • Horton
    Reactions: V4Guss
    V4Guss
    V4Guss
    With what Celene and Zeno pulled... I completely understand. Thanks.
    • Like
    Reactions: Horton
    Lerticus
    Lerticus
    I still won't go there, but it is nice to hear.
    Just interacting and posting here picks me up a bit. Thanks guys.
    t-dugong
    t-dugong
    V4Guss
    V4Guss
    is not sure how the dugong does this physics defying feat out of water, but laughs as this happens Good to see you're back.
    t-dugong
    t-dugong
    Shh, don't tell physics I'm not playing by the rules.

    Also, glad to be back. There's no place like home :)
    • Like
    Reactions: V4Guss
    I apologize... I know I tend to get weird in thought or emotion when I go off my medication.
    Sarcobite
    Sarcobite
    Not your fault. The human mind is strange. We are all weird in diffrent ways.
    Sarcobite
    Sarcobite
    Like sometimes i wonder if the universe is actually very diffrent than what we think. We only have the human perception to base our facts off of, and thats a flawed lenses.
    Kylia Quilor
    Kylia Quilor
    Fwiw, I don't think you need to apologize. I wasn't offended personally, though I'd refrain from saying something like that in front of some people I know that are much more sensitive to such issues for reasons good and bad.
    So... I learned today I'm apparently an asshole.

    Seriously... am I a bad guy in this whole incident with @IndyFront?

    I'm not sure what I did wrong here, if anything.
    Arius
    Arius
    No. But move on, a lot of people will have opinions on you, it's easy on the Internet. It's not worth wasting your time. According to some, I am anti-American, anti-Russians, etc. Being accused of something doesn't make it true.
    Salbazier
    Salbazier
    Eh, you are willing to give some attempt at self-reflection and analyzing your action. That's already miles ahead of most people. :V

    Personally, I didn't think you did wrong though.
    Say hello to your new Commissar! Insubordination will not be tolerated.
    IndyFront
    IndyFront
    One.... millionyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaarrssss ...DUNGEON!!!!1one12
    V4Guss
    V4Guss
    Hmmm, I think I'm going to beat you there, Commissar Yesman, since my gulag since is less gulag and more den of lust and sensation. People will sign up voluntarily.
    Yesman
    Yesman
    *gets imprisoned in own gulag*
    • Like
    Reactions: V4Guss
    You think you can merly ingnore me?
    Oh my. Who is your beautiful avatar?
    Sorry to bother you, but I felt I should ask if you are feeling any better? As a followup if that is not too irritating.
    V4Guss
    V4Guss
    I'm better today just tired and drained. I'm stable but it will take a couple days or so for me to get back to "normal" after that.
    V4Guss
    V4Guss
    Thanks for the concern and responding last night.
    Jaggerain
    Jaggerain
    Ah good, I was quite worried about where you were going with that as I have known some friends/acquaintes who said something like that. So it brought up some old memories and feelings.

    I know it's considered improper to not say you're welcome, but I think I was doing something that is simply in my nature, and shouldn't be worthy of thanks.

    I hope you feel much better V4Guss, I honestly do.

    I wish you a much better day.
    Does anyone else ever feel like they were given a life sentence in solitary confinement?
    • Like
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    V4Guss
    V4Guss
    I don't really expect any response to this. I just needed to type this out while it's flowing. I am. I was. I suppose that's why I like writing. I may want Freedom the most, but I don't want to be totally forgotten either. I'll most likely be fine in the morning after I've had some sleep and there's been a chance for my medications to take effect.
    Jaggerain
    Jaggerain
    ...

    Wow, that was...intense, I may not be able to understand what you're going through, but I can sympathize, even if you don't want me to.

    I apologize of you didn't want or expect anyone to reply, I am sorry if I draw your ire.

    But I feel that after that something must be said by someone else.

    I hope someone else can articulate what I mean, as I am not the best at emotional conversations, and I will be grateful if they do.

    But if not, so be it.

    You are, you have been, you will be.

    You HAVE to.

    Who else will be you, but you?

    It is not shameful to want freedom at the expense of others, but there is no glory in it either. If you have others, remember that they have you.

    You are a unique individual, and it is shown by your thoughts and feelings recorded here.

    And those are too special to be lost.
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