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Frozen in Carbonite

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Frozen in Carbonite

Rufus Shinra
Rufus Shinra
TBH, for the Doki Loki stuff, I'm kinda expecting the other shoe to drop, because at the moment, it feels a bit, well, bland. The setting involved is standard zombie stuff and the cross-over part isn't really feeling that organic, with stuff added without apparent consistency (MC comes from nowhere, these powers given to the DLLC group too). Basically, the biggest issue I would see for this is that the fic is kinda meh as it's really hard to get attached to the characters or the story at the moment, which isn't compensated by something really unique to the narration.

The reader is likely to ask themselves 'what's the point', and it isn't clear whether you also asked yourself that question for the fic: Is there a point beyond 'put characters from A in setting B while giving them C powers'?
bluepencil
bluepencil
I'll keep posting, there's more to it than that.


But cheking if there would be support to Robotech mah Gundam.
Rufus Shinra
Rufus Shinra
I know very little about either franchise, but I've discovered many through fics, so... Still, for the current one, I believe the meh reaction is due to the lack of attractiveness of the fic and its initial blandness: TBH, the only reason I'm checking its updates is because you're the author and have earned a reputation in my mind, making me expect something coming later. For most other people who might not have this experience, they are quite more likely to close the tab. I hope it helps.
bluepencil
bluepencil
Please see the most recent chapter if it's enough to pique interest.


Ahh, Robotech. Even butchered as it was from Macross, it was my first real exposure to anime. Before that it was Speed Racer on Cartoon Network. It was first time I ever experienced an animated show with a strong continuing narrative and a willingness to kill off its characters. So I still have fond memories of it and although it is an inferior property, often I get the urge to do something with it.
Rufus Shinra
Rufus Shinra
Heh, why not or the new chapter, it does make thing a bit more interesting, though the balance between show and tell is quite too much onto tell for my taste. The issue of the characters remains, in particular MC who is, I guess, probably the biggest issue of the fic: he feels like a description engine, has little personality and, most importantly, breaks down the dynamic that the girls would normally have after the game's events. He kinda feels like an Isekai main character of sorts, and that's not a good thing as such characters tend to break the natural dynamics that would otherwise make existing and fleshed characters interesting.
Rufus Shinra
Rufus Shinra
Interesting evolution of the situation which brings back some interest in the story, but while I'll keep following it, some of my earlier remarks still stand IMO. The character development is a bit lacking, and it feels kinda like Planeteers meets Sliders with a 'world of the week', but I feel hard to attach to the people presented there. It's like it needs some spark, but honestly, I wouldn't be able to say what it can be exactly, having stopped writing fiction myself a decade ago.
bluepencil
bluepencil
The TV show simile is apt, since at this point I don't really care much to dig too deep into backstories. It never really mattered to SG-1 until they needed to fill up time.

Let's see how future 'episodes' shape up.
Rufus Shinra
Rufus Shinra
Fair enough, I'll keep reading and will post my observations here.
Rufus Shinra
Rufus Shinra
On the topic of today's chapter, the higher focus on the 'local' characters - or at least the feeling of a higher focus - works quite better IMO. The two of them are archetypes, but well done and I can emphasize with their struggle - though it might be a bias from my personal life - and their perception of the DLLC characters' outside context problem. I suppose the approach isn't structurally too different from the first 'world' or so, but it works much, much better here because the characters from Frostpunk are anchored in their world in a more tangible manner than the ones from State of Decay, have clearly defined duties that help them take shape rather than 'random group of zombie apocalypse survivors'.

The way the Frostpunk characters were introduced was quite more engaging as well, with the outcome of a wasteful and bloody civil war they couldn't afford, the stakes of duty, etc., compared to a much more happy go free mindset of ZA survivors whose snark and geek references aren't flying that well. The FP dialogues thus feel much more natural from people we would expect to be in the situation they are.
bluepencil
bluepencil
The random survivors of State of Decay 2 start with names, minimal backstory, and their own voiced dialog. Ironically, NONE OF THAT actually applies to Frostpunk the game since it has no characters whatsoever so I had to make shite up on the whole from random names on the Population list.
Rufus Shinra
Rufus Shinra
And it works much better, because you are unironically better at designing characters than most game writers. Plus, as indicated in the previous comment, in FP, the setting is much more defined, allowing a clear understanding of the roles and ambitions of each while cliff notes for zombie survivors tend to actively harm your take on them because the only prevent you from developing the characters the way you feel it natural while being forced to stick to, well, D-list game character writing.
bluepencil
bluepencil
Roight. The thing is, normally in writing too many characters is a bad thing. In zombie world, there are only so few characters and their minimal backstory can be interesting if allowed to develop.
These are people who have barely known each other for a couple of weeks. They also come in twos and a highly diverse bunch:

Dr. Josefa Gilliam - Black Latina, military doctor
Cpl. Rasheed Vaughan - Black soldier with an immigrant father
role: helpful military remnants

Kedan Ye - Asian-American-Canadian action nerd
Einar House - stock stoner white young american
role: bickering best friends

Timara McNamara - techno yuppie
Cecil Purnell - traditional manly lumberjack
role: lost young lovers

They're flippant, but that contrasts with the morbidity of the situation and everything else outside of the relative safety of their home base. They could be developed slowly out in a sitcom way.

At least, that was the plan.

--
bluepencil
bluepencil
Then I moved into Frostpunk world and then suddenly it's "I need a new character for this scene. Boop. A name and a mannerism. You're it."

What a difference. No need to plan things out at all. Scene needs a voice? It gets a voice.

Now that I look back on it, it's a very Kurosawa thing.
Rufus Shinra
Rufus Shinra
Having archetype characters is definitely a workable thing, but from my experience, it works well only when the story carries them rapidly from scene to scene, ideally out of their environment thus allowing them to either react with the audience and/or to get more layers. The DDLC characters are also this, archetypes initially used for a horror story but who are still very much defined as such when everything is said and done. So most of the characters overall, core and others, are such, with little if any perceptible drive. It wouldn't be an issue if the story carried them along but as soon as the pacing slows down, the magic stops working.

To keep on the cinematic metaphor, I'm thinking about Tarkovski's Stalker. Three of the four characters of the movie are archetypes, known by their job more than anything else, and the movie only finds its interest because there's the fourth one, the Zone itself, which is constantly interacting, troubling and questioning them. Without it, it's a three hour long forest walk, and I fear you're lacking that additional element. You've hinted at it once or twice with the 'deal' MC made, but it's nowhere near enough to carry the situation.
bluepencil
bluepencil
And with the recent chapters we get to the 'meat' of why I wanted to write this story - the conversation and interactions by different peoples from different milieus!
Rufus Shinra
Rufus Shinra
Indeed, these interactions can be interesting, though as long as the story progresses properly along.
Rufus Shinra
Rufus Shinra
Nice take on this one, the tribunal stuff made me want to throw some quip about SV, but overall an engaging section which introduces characters that I kinda hope wouldn't be one-offs. The more people you bring, the more fleshed-out your story is and the better you cover the weakness created by the DDLC characters, IMO.
Rufus Shinra
Rufus Shinra
A bit mixed on today's chapter, mostly to see where you'll go with this. The lists kinda break the reading and immersion, however, so I would advise against them in the future, but otherwise, it's a good thing to build up a bit the presence of the OCs and to have them take more room in the narration.
Rufus Shinra
Rufus Shinra
Good pacing here, much better balance between action and characters.
bluepencil
bluepencil
I had to juggle NINE characters in one scene here. Each one with a purpose. That's why the lists. But I feel it turned out well.

Too bad the tepid response to this when first posted was discouraging enough to make me shelve the series for a bit and return to In Another World with Just Monika.
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