It all started when I got this silly little idea and went through with writing it. Hopefully, this will be the beginning of a long series of short stories in my newly minted XCom AU that I hope you will find enjoyable. I'm TripleMRed, idiot extraordinaire and your guide into this little world of madness. I present to you Elder Ea, and his lot in life.
Christmas Spirit.
-------------------------------------------------------
It has been 10 years since the Advent Administration had taken control. In that time, the new world government had made a lot of headway in clearing old human cultural markers. Celebrations, customs, beloved media, and even holidays had all been erased from the world. All but one: Christmas. It was not for a lack of trying, of course. Again and again, the leadership of the Advent Administration had tried to do away with that wretched celebration, but every-time ended in complete and utter failure. And so, as he did every year, Elder Ea sat upon his office chair, his lower arms tented together while one of his upper ones lifted a half-empty bottle of eggnog to the opening of his otherwise head covering helmet. A knock interrupted him.
"Who is it?" He asked, not bothering to sound high and mighty like his older peers. As the youngest of the remaining Ethereals, Ea's body retained more than enough strength to not have to be put into stasis like the others, at least not yet. The fact they still blamed him for this holiday continuing probably also had something to do with him not being able to get into a pod.
"Guess who." Warbled an all too familiar voice. Narrowing his aged eyes, Ea sighed before tapping into the Gift to open the door. Standing on the other side was Ea's...assistant. An old first iteration Sectoid walked casually through the doorway, a cup of coffee in hand and a tie around his neck. He was one of the first Sectoids produced for the Earth invasion 10 years ago, his official designation being a long and tedious thing to remember. For simplicity's sake, however, he had adopted an Earthen name after the invasion was a success.
"What do you want, Bob? Can't you see I'm trying to drown my sorrows?" Ea groaned as he lifted and shook his drink to emphasize his words. Having worked with the little bastard not long after he'd been 'gifted' his 'prestigious' office as overseer of all Earthen activities, Ea had long decided to throw out any attempts at a superior-subordinate relationship. Especially when the little bastard showed signs of being more willful than most of his kind, traits normally reserved for the Sectoid Commanders.
"Yes, I did see, and I wanted to ruin your day anyway." He cheerfully replied before taking a seat on a conveniently unopened cardboard box of Christmas trinkets and taking a sip of his drink. Ea stared at the Sectoid for a long moment before glancing at his own half-empty beverage.
"...How...did you do that?" The Ethereal asked with more than a little trepidation.
"Do what?" Asked Bob as some of the foam settled on his lower face into a pattern akin to a mustache. His mouthless face.
"...Nevermind." Ea sighed before taking another swig of his own drink.
"Whatever you say, chief." Bob replied casually. The little ingrate was very lucky that Ea was so tolerant of his flippant mannerisms in front of an Elder. Also, the fact that Ea's peers specifically forbade him from harming the obviously willful Sectoid really helped. Undoubtedly another part of his punishment. "So, what's got your arms in a bind this time?"
"What do you think?" Ea slouched deep into his chair, his lower arms hanging limply to his sides in addition to his free upper arm.
"It's the holiday, isn't it?" Bob asked before, somehow, sipping his drink again.
"Yes." Ea bluntly uttered.
"Man, when are you gonna let that go?" Bob asked before pointing at the Ethereal with his coffee cup. "To be honest, it's not that bad. I mean, really, what's so bad about getting free presents?"
"The presents aren't the point." Ea lifted himself up. "It's th-" He paused as he steadied himself from the sudden swaying that overtook him when he arose. Damn eggnog. "It's the one who delivers them. It's the fact that DAMN fat man is still out there!" The Elder pointed an angry finger to the snow laden window, out towards the starry sky. "These festivities would have been dealt with a long time ago if that fat bastard didn't get in the way!"
"Oh yeah, Nick!" Bob casually stated. "You going to his party?"
"NO I'M NOT GOING TO THAT HUGE OAF'S PARTY!" Ea roared, the whole of the room shaking as he let his power over the Gift flare up. Breathing heavily, he pointed a finger at Bob. "Wait, he invited YOU!?"
"Well, yeah. I go every year!" The Sectoid stated happily. "You'd know if you went. Mrs. C makes the best ginger bre-"
"For Gift's sake, Bob, you don't go to the enemies party!" Ea hissed.
"Hey, he's only an enemy if you try to mess with him." Bob said defensively. "Besides, he's actually not that bad when you get to know him!"
"Not that bad." Ea's eye twitched. "He turned my Battleship into a mountain of gift-wrapping and reindeer feed. While I was still on it!"
"To be fair, you were trying to orbitally bombard him." Bob noted.
"Speaking of which, do you know how terrifying free fall from orbit is?" Ea growled, his grip on his eggnog tightening. "Let me tell you right now, it's NOT pleasant."
"Again, wouldn't have happened if you weren't trying to kill him." Bob stated simply. Ea took in a deep, calming breath before returning to his seat. Bob sighed before getting up and moving over to pat his...'friend' on the knee. "There there."
"Don't touch me." Ea said, though his anger had left him drained, leaving him to sound more tired than annoyed.
"Look, he's just trying to be nice." Bob uttered. "Maybe if you go to his party, you'll see that not killing him was a pretty good idea."
"The only reason I stopped was because he threatened me with a candy-cane machine gun." Ea paused. "Still not sure how that worked." Bob only continued to sympathetically pat Ea's knee.
"Look, if it's any consolation, he's a pretty forgiving guy. I mean, he gives me presents and he invited you to the party, even though you're part of the force that conquered the planet!" Bob tried to reason. "Maybe you should give him a chance."
"...Yeah. Maybe your right." Ea said slowly. "Maybe-Wait." Ea stopped, having noticed something Bob said. "He gives you PRESENTS?! Why hasn't he given ME any presents?!" Bob stopped his knee patting in favor of gripping his coffee and chuckling nervously.
"Um, actually, he, uh, does." Bob gulped. Ea's eyes narrowed.
"Oh really. Then why haven't I ever seen a single bow adorned box from that enormous tub of lard?" Ea suspiciously inquired.
"I, er, may have been keeping all of your presents from you." Ea slowly leaned down towards the Sectoid. Even with his face concealing helmet, it was clear the Elder was seething. Bob gulped again. "Uh-" Ea put a hand on the Sectoid's shoulder.
"Show me. Now." Bob gulped once more.
-------------------------
"...."
"Okay, now, don't get mad." Bob was hoping to salvage the situation.
"Open. The. Door. Bob." Ea stated in a stilted manner. Yep, he was pissed. Bob nervously looked at the warehouse doors, knowing full well that their contents were going to send Ea way beyond 'mad'.
"Okay. But you asked for it." And so, Bob opened the doors to the warehouse with some effort. Ea floated in, only getting a foot within the door before realizing what was before him. Coal. Many, many, many metric tons of it. "Um, it's probably not a good thing to tell you that we actually dug a half mile hole in the ground here to fit it all." The Sectoid nervously tapped the tips of his fingers together. "Um...Chief? Boss?" He worriedly asked after several long moments of silence. "You, uh, alright?" Several more moments passed. And then, Ea spoke.
"THAT FAT SON-OF-A-" And so began the longest, most profane speech ever uttered by a noble Elder.
---
This is an old fic of mine I will be crossposting on to here for old time's sake and to see if there's a reception on here.
Christmas Spirit.
-------------------------------------------------------
It has been 10 years since the Advent Administration had taken control. In that time, the new world government had made a lot of headway in clearing old human cultural markers. Celebrations, customs, beloved media, and even holidays had all been erased from the world. All but one: Christmas. It was not for a lack of trying, of course. Again and again, the leadership of the Advent Administration had tried to do away with that wretched celebration, but every-time ended in complete and utter failure. And so, as he did every year, Elder Ea sat upon his office chair, his lower arms tented together while one of his upper ones lifted a half-empty bottle of eggnog to the opening of his otherwise head covering helmet. A knock interrupted him.
"Who is it?" He asked, not bothering to sound high and mighty like his older peers. As the youngest of the remaining Ethereals, Ea's body retained more than enough strength to not have to be put into stasis like the others, at least not yet. The fact they still blamed him for this holiday continuing probably also had something to do with him not being able to get into a pod.
"Guess who." Warbled an all too familiar voice. Narrowing his aged eyes, Ea sighed before tapping into the Gift to open the door. Standing on the other side was Ea's...assistant. An old first iteration Sectoid walked casually through the doorway, a cup of coffee in hand and a tie around his neck. He was one of the first Sectoids produced for the Earth invasion 10 years ago, his official designation being a long and tedious thing to remember. For simplicity's sake, however, he had adopted an Earthen name after the invasion was a success.
"What do you want, Bob? Can't you see I'm trying to drown my sorrows?" Ea groaned as he lifted and shook his drink to emphasize his words. Having worked with the little bastard not long after he'd been 'gifted' his 'prestigious' office as overseer of all Earthen activities, Ea had long decided to throw out any attempts at a superior-subordinate relationship. Especially when the little bastard showed signs of being more willful than most of his kind, traits normally reserved for the Sectoid Commanders.
"Yes, I did see, and I wanted to ruin your day anyway." He cheerfully replied before taking a seat on a conveniently unopened cardboard box of Christmas trinkets and taking a sip of his drink. Ea stared at the Sectoid for a long moment before glancing at his own half-empty beverage.
"...How...did you do that?" The Ethereal asked with more than a little trepidation.
"Do what?" Asked Bob as some of the foam settled on his lower face into a pattern akin to a mustache. His mouthless face.
"...Nevermind." Ea sighed before taking another swig of his own drink.
"Whatever you say, chief." Bob replied casually. The little ingrate was very lucky that Ea was so tolerant of his flippant mannerisms in front of an Elder. Also, the fact that Ea's peers specifically forbade him from harming the obviously willful Sectoid really helped. Undoubtedly another part of his punishment. "So, what's got your arms in a bind this time?"
"What do you think?" Ea slouched deep into his chair, his lower arms hanging limply to his sides in addition to his free upper arm.
"It's the holiday, isn't it?" Bob asked before, somehow, sipping his drink again.
"Yes." Ea bluntly uttered.
"Man, when are you gonna let that go?" Bob asked before pointing at the Ethereal with his coffee cup. "To be honest, it's not that bad. I mean, really, what's so bad about getting free presents?"
"The presents aren't the point." Ea lifted himself up. "It's th-" He paused as he steadied himself from the sudden swaying that overtook him when he arose. Damn eggnog. "It's the one who delivers them. It's the fact that DAMN fat man is still out there!" The Elder pointed an angry finger to the snow laden window, out towards the starry sky. "These festivities would have been dealt with a long time ago if that fat bastard didn't get in the way!"
"Oh yeah, Nick!" Bob casually stated. "You going to his party?"
"NO I'M NOT GOING TO THAT HUGE OAF'S PARTY!" Ea roared, the whole of the room shaking as he let his power over the Gift flare up. Breathing heavily, he pointed a finger at Bob. "Wait, he invited YOU!?"
"Well, yeah. I go every year!" The Sectoid stated happily. "You'd know if you went. Mrs. C makes the best ginger bre-"
"For Gift's sake, Bob, you don't go to the enemies party!" Ea hissed.
"Hey, he's only an enemy if you try to mess with him." Bob said defensively. "Besides, he's actually not that bad when you get to know him!"
"Not that bad." Ea's eye twitched. "He turned my Battleship into a mountain of gift-wrapping and reindeer feed. While I was still on it!"
"To be fair, you were trying to orbitally bombard him." Bob noted.
"Speaking of which, do you know how terrifying free fall from orbit is?" Ea growled, his grip on his eggnog tightening. "Let me tell you right now, it's NOT pleasant."
"Again, wouldn't have happened if you weren't trying to kill him." Bob stated simply. Ea took in a deep, calming breath before returning to his seat. Bob sighed before getting up and moving over to pat his...'friend' on the knee. "There there."
"Don't touch me." Ea said, though his anger had left him drained, leaving him to sound more tired than annoyed.
"Look, he's just trying to be nice." Bob uttered. "Maybe if you go to his party, you'll see that not killing him was a pretty good idea."
"The only reason I stopped was because he threatened me with a candy-cane machine gun." Ea paused. "Still not sure how that worked." Bob only continued to sympathetically pat Ea's knee.
"Look, if it's any consolation, he's a pretty forgiving guy. I mean, he gives me presents and he invited you to the party, even though you're part of the force that conquered the planet!" Bob tried to reason. "Maybe you should give him a chance."
"...Yeah. Maybe your right." Ea said slowly. "Maybe-Wait." Ea stopped, having noticed something Bob said. "He gives you PRESENTS?! Why hasn't he given ME any presents?!" Bob stopped his knee patting in favor of gripping his coffee and chuckling nervously.
"Um, actually, he, uh, does." Bob gulped. Ea's eyes narrowed.
"Oh really. Then why haven't I ever seen a single bow adorned box from that enormous tub of lard?" Ea suspiciously inquired.
"I, er, may have been keeping all of your presents from you." Ea slowly leaned down towards the Sectoid. Even with his face concealing helmet, it was clear the Elder was seething. Bob gulped again. "Uh-" Ea put a hand on the Sectoid's shoulder.
"Show me. Now." Bob gulped once more.
-------------------------
"...."
"Okay, now, don't get mad." Bob was hoping to salvage the situation.
"Open. The. Door. Bob." Ea stated in a stilted manner. Yep, he was pissed. Bob nervously looked at the warehouse doors, knowing full well that their contents were going to send Ea way beyond 'mad'.
"Okay. But you asked for it." And so, Bob opened the doors to the warehouse with some effort. Ea floated in, only getting a foot within the door before realizing what was before him. Coal. Many, many, many metric tons of it. "Um, it's probably not a good thing to tell you that we actually dug a half mile hole in the ground here to fit it all." The Sectoid nervously tapped the tips of his fingers together. "Um...Chief? Boss?" He worriedly asked after several long moments of silence. "You, uh, alright?" Several more moments passed. And then, Ea spoke.
"THAT FAT SON-OF-A-" And so began the longest, most profane speech ever uttered by a noble Elder.
---
This is an old fic of mine I will be crossposting on to here for old time's sake and to see if there's a reception on here.