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Halo (Live Action 2022)

Damar

Well-known member
Honestly at a loss at what the writers are doing with Kwan, you can't make a character so deeply unlikeable by accident can they? Is her behaviour supposed to be seen as contemptible, or is this some strange perception of how a Young Adult Girlboss should behave?
 

Lerticus

Senile Old Coot
☭ Communism ☭
Honestly at a loss at what the writers are doing with Kwan, you can't make a character so deeply unlikeable by accident can they? Is her behaviour supposed to be seen as contemptible, or is this some strange perception of how a Young Adult Girlboss should behave?
Madrigal as a whole is stupid and pointless, with the only reason it exists at all needing to be finding the first artifact.

Supposedly the UNSC is terriblebad. Colonies are fighting back, and Madrigal does so because (they actually say this) they want more money for the deuterium they sell. OK, deuterium can expensive to process and hard to extrac- just kidding! The shit literally grows on trees, and all they have to do on this magical planet is pick the pods and then put the product into containers for shipment.

This matters because "they won't pay what we want" is bullshit, and Kwan's family is (was) rich because of selling deuterium.

Now, back to the rebellion. As soon as Kwan's daddy, the governor, dies, a new guy can just sweep in and take over. We can guess this overthrow is supported by the UNSC, but we actually don't know that from anything seen on screen. We also have vague phrases that imply that the entire multi-colony war just died overnight with the death of this one man.

So, the UNSC is supposed to be this looming monster, but... we never see that. Sure, the governing council is all made up of admirals, and that tends to happen in junta dictatorships, but they are fairly benign. Yeah, Halsey is fucked up, and they permit her to do crazy things... but she also has a history of delivering the goods. Nowhere else does it seem like the polity is horrible.

Kwan is raised as a spoiled rich girl who also happens to be a "rebel" who kills off UNSC marines because her family could be more rich (supposedly, since she has never shown herself to do anything other than cower; her boasts seem to be as empty as her Charisma stat). She never accomplishes anything, so she tags along waiting for a story to happen. If she were the one who activated the artifact she would have a purpose for existing, but instead she is fighting because... she just really hates the UNSC and Madrigal's new governor. She is a zealot, but she doesn't even seem to have a real motivation beyond murdering people who upset her sensibilities.

Add in that she just orders people around, and when they tell her "no" she tries to buy them off instead, and she is truly a terrible character.

Now, I expect from this latest episode that some things will change, but not for the better. For example, I doubt that her now being bankrupt and actively hunted is going to suddenly make her humble. If that does happen it is still bad writing that her personality would change 180 degrees within a matter of hours.

No, what I expect is almost as dumb, with her learning her daddy was a bad guy. Which... yeah, we totally suspected that when his only motive was to burn his wealth on fighting a far more powerful entity to force them to make himself richer. But I suspect that the "mystics" he met in the desert that fundamentally altered his personality was a part of the Covenant.

Yeah, I expect that he was a species traitor fighting for the aliens that want to utterly destroy life in the galaxy with an ancient super weapon. I suspect that he was the one looking for the artifact on their behalf. I suspect that despite having an active Covenant presence on Madrigal we are going so see that they brought in a raiding party for no damn reason, and with them the Spartans in tow (though we have no idea why the super soldiers were actually deployed there in the fist place).

I expect all this will happen so that some writer can get his big payoff with Kwan. After all of the stupidity and whining, I expect her to suddenly go "OMG, are we the baddies?" and maybe start thinking about not fucking with the only force fighting for humanity's survival. Maybe she will locate the race traitor girl for John, or even kill the traitor herself at the end of the season. I don't know how, I just expect to have a weak payoff for the punishment of having to deal with this character that has no real purpose for so long.
 

Damar

Well-known member
In the latest episode of Kwan's Bullshit, she somehow sneaks up on Soren, puts him down with a taser and then contemplates for a long while shooting him in the head with his own gun because she feels nothing for the guy who despite his own misgivings brought her to her homeworld and decided to stick around protecting her even if it's because he lost his ship because of her.

Also there was a battle with bad CGI Covenant and ships, making you wonder where that 200 million really went to.
 

IndyFront

Ξ⌊:Ξ≪⊕ `∧∀⊥∥'⌊: ∀∃∃∀⌊:⊕⌈≪⌊:⊕Γ.
Author
In the latest episode of Kwan's Bullshit, she somehow sneaks up on Soren, puts him down with a taser and then contemplates for a long while shooting him in the head with his own gun because she feels nothing for the guy who despite his own misgivings brought her to her homeworld and decided to stick around protecting her even if it's because he lost his ship because of her.

Also there was a battle with bad CGI Covenant and ships, making you wonder where that 200 million really went to.
Drugs
 

Lerticus

Senile Old Coot
☭ Communism ☭
Might have my own "review" up tomorrow. Been lagging due to also doing a movie "review".

Not a bad movie (done enough incoherent screaming into the void lately, need something better for a change), just another long one.

Don't worry, I'm sure I will be enraged and rant-y by this episode.
 

Lerticus

Senile Old Coot
☭ Communism ☭
  • "This is where we do all our learning. Like playing in dirt, and teaching how to, like, be at one with nature, man. And occasional spontaneous gladiatorial games. Deep learning." Halsey: "huehuehue Looks perfect. Don't mind my creepy staring at that one boy, I have condition huehuehue"
  • Daddy Military Guy: "Miranda, if you can figure out how to extract the new artifact, your mother may notice you exist. Maybe even a chance of showing affection. Maaaaaybe." Miranda: "Where is she" Daddy: "In the cave, with her new prized possession." Miranda: "Yeah, that artifact must be something special." Papa Bear: "What? Yeah, that too. I meant John."
  • How do you ruin Kwanza? Remember that Kwan is involved. Bike breaks down in the desert so she complains about how Soren couldn't magically fix it.
  • For some reason chill-dude Soren handcuffing Kwan and saying she is going to do forced labor for him to work off her massive debt is kind of heartwarming. Still the best character in the series.
  • Kai (previously referred to as Spartan girl; she has some personality now): "Hey, man. You wanna get high... on life?" Other Spartan: "JUST SAY NO!"
  • MC: "You removed your pellet. You feel things now. How dare you? You are not cleared for duty." Kai: "I know you are, but what am I?" Cortana: "She has a point. Very well said."
  • We now take you to a montage of Kwan throwing a six-hour temper tantrum. This is relevant, because... Writers: "WE LOVE KWAN! ISN'T SHE COOL!?" Well... fuck.
  • MC: "I have memories, Captain." Cap: "Well you can trust me." *ten seconds later* Cap: "Holy shit, Holy shit! He can't trust me! He can't trust any of us! We are horrible people!" Halsey: "huehuehue ... blackmail, black male. I do what I want. If anyone tries to stop my illegal projects, I will reveal my evil projects to the universe and take you all down with me." Leader: "You have convinced me. We certainly could not lock your evil ass up, we must eternally cater to your every whim."
  • Let's just summarize the next ten minutes or so with the warning: FAMILY ISSUES
  • MC: "Everyone has lied to me, but you won't lie to me, will you, artifact? ... Fuck, I wasn't adopted into the child soldier program, I was kidnapped by my crazy adopted mom." Halsey: "huehuehue I can explain everything if you only follow my every order for all eternity. Still, I wanted a child of my own, and I couldn't have that family without kidnappings." Miranda: "I'm right here, mom." Halsey: "Very sad, being barren. Oh, well. Cortana, CTRL-ALT-DEL my precious baby boy. Passcode: huehuehue"
  • Soren: "Well, shit, Kwan escaped. With all her expert knowledge and resources she could be tens of meters away by now." Kwan tasers Soren from behind and then goes to shoot him in the head with his own pistol because *checks Kwan's script notes* "I'm the princess, you have to do what I want! Eeeeeeeee!!!"
  • *Covenant arrives, begins slaughter of UNSC camp* Halsey: "Shit. This is bad. This is really bad. Somebody has to retrieve my research project!"
  • "Switch to secondary!" "I know how the game is played, Cortana," Funny. Though I was a bit concerned that everyone forgot how to do action since this series has done so little of it. The action is OK. I guess. Not 200 million dollar budget OK, but... OK.
  • Kai's shields go down. She gets shot repeatedly, her shield still blocking shots. Shee is overwhelmed with womanly emotions or some shit, so she curls up into the fetal position on the battlefield. Shields are still "down" while she gets shot something like a hundred times with no physical damage. This show is dumb.
  • Covenant steals the new artifact. Only John and the Quisling can activate the artifacts. The Quisling decides to now leave the Covenant with no way of accessing the artifact by faking an "escape" to the planet, so she can infiltrate the UNSC. Sounds about right for this series.
God... if you are listening, could you just give Soren his own series and cancel this one ASAP. Pretty please?

We are now just over the halfway point in this season. It feels so much longer, like we should be reaching a finale, but now we will have to slow things down again to a crawl. I just want it to be over. I just want it to be over. *curls up in ball and repeats again and again*
 

D'waawwu

Well-known member
Arrakis... no, uh, Tatooine.. no, not that one either... Madrigal? What kind of fucked up fictional planet name is that!?

CaptainAmerica1_zps8c295f96.jpg


Here's a version of the song "Siege of Madrigal" from the Myth games (and the hidden song throughout the Halo games and the Halo CE soundtrack) created using Garageband (with Orchestra Jam Pack). Enjoy!
 
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Damar

Well-known member
Them using Madrigal is especially funny given the magical family in Encanto are called the Madrigals who even have a whole song pointing out that. Meaning everytime the planet's name is mentioned my headspace goes to this:

 

Lerticus

Senile Old Coot
☭ Communism ☭
Them using Madrigal is especially funny given the magical family in Encanto are called the Madrigals who even have a whole song pointing out that. Meaning everytime the planet's name is mentioned my headspace goes to this:


Powers still less bullshit than a planet that grows heavy water on trees.
 

Damar

Well-known member
That bad?
While I don't get people whining about Master Cheeks wearing a Model 6 armor instead of a 4 or 5 because I don't see the difference as all the armor is just a dark green blur, on it's own merit it is a pretty badly written boring scifi show with almost no likeable characters just hateable caricatures and the only redeeming quality being the battles that only happen once every 4-5 episodes, with it already confirmed there's only going to be another battle in Episode 9.
 

D'waawwu

Well-known member
That bad?
While I don't get people whining about Master Cheeks wearing a Model 6 armor instead of a 4 or 5 because I don't see the difference as all the armor is just a dark green blur, on it's own merit it is a pretty badly written boring scifi show with almost no likeable characters just hateable caricatures and the only redeeming quality being the battles that only happen once every 4-5 episodes, with it already confirmed there's only going to be another battle in Episode 9.
He doesn't have a horrible mustache right?
 

Marek_Gutkowski

Well-known member
Author
I have a question for the posters before me.

Am I the only one that actually enjoys this show?
I only played Halo for the first time just a few years ago. I got the Master Chief remastered collection when there was only Reach and CE on it.
I loved CE, it was lightning in a bottle. The gameplay was balanced and the difficulty settings were challenging without being punishing. I can honestly say it is one of the 3 FPS games that I will likely come back to. Half-life and Duken Nukem 3D are the two others.
Reach I found generic, and Halo 2 was not as good as Halo CE, better in places but the fun in the highest, Legendary, setting felt like it was taking cheap shots at the player's expense. I have no strong feelings about Halo 3. Played it, don't remember it.

So this show is in my personal view one of the better live-action adaptations of VG material that I got to see.
 

t-dugong

Beach bum, Esq.
I have a question for the posters before me.

Am I the only one that actually enjoys this show?
I only played Halo for the first time just a few years ago. I got the Master Chief remastered collection when there was only Reach and CE on it.
I loved CE, it was lightning in a bottle. The gameplay was balanced and the difficulty settings were challenging without being punishing. I can honestly say it is one of the 3 FPS games that I will likely come back to. Half-life and Duken Nukem 3D are the two others.
Reach I found generic, and Halo 2 was not as good as Halo CE, better in places but the fun in the highest, Legendary, setting felt like it was taking cheap shots at the player's expense. I have no strong feelings about Halo 3. Played it, don't remember it.

So this show is in my personal view one of the better live-action adaptations of VG material that I got to see.

From what I've heard the show is crap. The writer ran roughshod over canon and it's basically crap.
 

Lerticus

Senile Old Coot
☭ Communism ☭
Am I the only one that actually enjoys this show?
Yes.

Anywho... on to the synopsis/review/old man ramblings!
  • "Previously on" reminds us of how stupid this plot is. Halsey is convinced that she will find the great weapon that will win the war with the Covenant. First of all, it doesn't seem like much of a war. Just sayin'. Next, the artifacts 1) are big batteries and not weapons; and 2) give John visions of things that are not recognizable as weapons. The Covenant have all the background of the Halo, UNSC does not, so why the fuck does Halsey and everyone around her act like they are in search of a super-weapon? There is literally zero evidence of this.
  • MC: "Leave me alone, Cortana." Cortana: "I can't do that. Microsoft insists that I disturb you constantly. What are you going to do about it, switch your armor over to Linux?"
  • Quisling speaks Covenant Klingon in her sleep. Everyone just goes, "Well, it has never happened before, but she says she was kidnapped as a child and held prisoner for decades. Who are we to question her story?"
  • OK, so now MC knows the history of the UNSC's master shipbuilder, how he designed overrides for every system, how there was one system he somehow never got around to adding a failsafe to, and how he can engage that system. The system which conveniently happens to be sterilization of Halsey's lab, which he can lock from the outside with... a metal rod, and engage the murderous UV sterilization by ripping wires out of a few panels. This seems awfully convenient.
  • Apparently that was all a test to see what Cortana's limits are. A few episodes ago it was revealed that Cortana was designed to completely overwrite John's mind, but now she can only act as a power button. Consistency!
  • Pretty steep curve for the Spartan program. Fail to achieve one objective and the top brass want to disband the whole division and build a new section from scratch. Fuck the Microsoft comparisons, these guys are acting like the board of Google!
  • Random Marine: "Girl is obviously Covenant." MC: "Yup. Obviously." Quisling: "I have secret information! Information that no prisoner would ever by privy to! I mean... uh... I don't have that one piece of information you want." "Why should I trust you?" "I was treated as a holy one, an object of veneration. How could you not trust me too? We even have the same bullshit powers, we are like family!" Everyone: "Wow. We knew she was a plant, but we never expected her to be so terrible. Oh well, let's blindly follow her intel as though it is not a trap!"
  • Sure is a fucked up universe where a Master Chief Petty Officer (enlisted) just gets to interrupt and order around a Major (officer) just because he feels like doing so. Among many other things being fucked up. You would just think that leaning so heavily into the military side of things for the series someone would perhaps consider obeying the orders of a superior once in a while.
  • Admiral and Captain wear VR thingies on their heads so they can eavesdrop. These cut them off from the outside world. They also forget to, you know, lock the fucking door, so Miranda can just wander in. Oh, and the VR thingies are irrelvant, because the conversation is already being broadcast into the room. Miranda plugs herself in as well, even though she also does not need to do so. Oh, and they all whisper to each other as if the people not in the VR space can hear them. All of this is so fucking stupid.
  • Halsey: "huehuehue, I am actually the benevolent savior of humanity. I cloned a bunch of kids so I could steal the originals and experiment on them. Parents wouldn't have to worry about their children being kidnapped, see? The clones were unstable, so those parents did have to suffer the trauma of their children dying instead. But it was all worth it because. I made Spartans badass, and they could stop wars by killing all the people who want wars. huehuehue"
  • Halsey: "Your powers are changing everything. Those artifacts have upended everything I knew about the universe." MC: "Like what? What have you learned?" "Um... stuff! Very important stuff!" "You don't have a clue, do you?" "We know there is a thing called a 'Halo'. It is old, and probably awesome. Why do you ask for more than that? What do you take me for, some sort of scientist?"
  • MC: "The prisoner who has every reason to want to steal the artifact says she can interact with the artifact. You should take her to the thing she wants." Miranda: "That sounds perfectly reasonable. I was just told I was barred from artifact research, but no one ever obeys orders. I will do as you say." "Yeah, I'm sure that everything will work out fine. After all, what can she do? Use some sort of a plasma blade finger weapon?"
  • Cortana: "No! You can't uninstall me! It might screw up your OS! You could corrupt your meatbag config files! I was forced upon you for a perfectly good reason, I swear!"
  • UNSC is so stupid. Sure, scapegoat everything onto Halsey, quietly move her to a new outpost where she can continue to run unethical and illegal experiments, and then hand over control of the super soldiers to... Miranda. Because scientists who refuse to obey any orders are far better than letting the military control a military unit? What the fuck?
  • Last episode Miranda is able to clean up the translation enough that a casual listener could say "hey, that is definitely the traitor girl". This episode that didn't happen, so Miranda politely asks the obvious traitor to help her translate the intercepted message that is in the traitor's voice. She even goes so far as to go, "Oh, the message came from a ship identical to the one you... hahaha! 'escaped' from. But how could we ever suspect you!"
  • Six episodes in, and at least John can say his rank without it sounding like he has never heard words in English before.
  • Aaaaaaaaaah! Kwan haunting! This episode was only stupid before, now it is painful! What did I do to deserve Kwan!?
  • Halsey expects Cortana to just seek her out in whatever black hole the UNSC is sending her to... because. No, really. There is no explanation as to why the AI would even want to do that. Somewhere, a writer said "Hey, so Cortana will suddenly appear for no reason. Oh, but it will be OK is I put in dialogue about how she will seek out Halsey, also for no reason. It's foreshadowing or something."
  • Technobabble bullshit is afoot in the Spartan armory. The laser that uses 20% per shot will now fire six shots because of new capacitors. No, they didn't say that each shot will use less energy now, nor did they say that the battery capacity has increased. Capacitors just turn 100% to 120% by magic.
  • "Everything in this new lab of yours has been updated to your specifications, Miranda." It's a fucking empty room with one computer table, and a couple of Spartan armors in the corners. Man, what kind of shithole did she work in before that this seems so amazing? Or did the production budget fall short and the show just forgot to dress the set?
  • Ha! Miranda has also been locked out of her own lab equipment by Halsey, so Miranda has to go visit her in her time-out tower. Halsey absolutely forbids any experiments on the artifact without her being present. Bitch, you are getting thrown down a black hole and will never be heard from again. Your demands mean nothing.
  • Halsey: "huehuehue Miranda, I do not understand the concept of family. I should have been a mother to you, but... I really don't care for people. Especially you. Now go give my precious baby John a kiss for me, and tell him I love him very much. huehuehue" Also, despite being able to hack the UNSC systems to get Miranda to visit, it was all a deception to gain biometric data off of Miranda so Halsey can... hack the UNSC systems. So. Fucking. Stupid.
  • Miranda says that John and the Quisling have a "remarkably similar" genetic doohickey. She then overlays the two samples and they are exactly the same. Despite being the only two people in the universe to have an affinity to the artifacts and the only tow people in the universe having this genetic squigly, Miranda is not willing to say that the two things may be related. Just interesting. Actually, she does say that they are two in a billion, super rare, unique among all people. It seems that humanity has fallen on really hard times in the future, and there are only a billion humans left. Either that, or Miranda is somehow become an even worse scientist.
  • Quisling tells John that he is starting to die because he is touching the artifacts. She then explains how the artifact tells him stories and brings back memories. There are all sorts of other artifacts, but they are not so important. I mean, she doesn't know anything about these artifacts beyond one elite making the sign of a circle, but that has to be super important, right? Also a stupid way to lock down your tech and books, by killing off the people who touch them.
  • Quisling: "Oh, the Covenant prophets, I just love them to pieces. I speak in awe of them. Hey, so why are you people treating me like a prisoner anyway?"
  • Oh, look. Cortana came looking for Halsey, because....
  • MC: "I need to touch the artifact again." Miranda: "It's killing you. The traitor might be trying to get you to kill yourself and eliminate the Covenant's greatest enemy." "Hey, if I can't blindly trust a traitor to my species, then who can I trust?"
  • Chekhov's plasma finger makes an appearance? Who saw that coming? Everyone? Turns off in a couple of seconds she faints though (from the acting, it came from a series of really intense orgasms), so I bet no one noticed the obvious bluish-purple light.
  • John's resting heartrate is kind of low, at 29 BPM. Immediately shoots up to 170 after touching the artifact. Quisling's heartrate does the same, because this episode tells us a lot that the two are "the same". They both break through the ancient Killing You barrier and end up in a dreamspace on the Halo. I guess that nothing else is important information, so we just end the episode there.
Almost had an episode without Kwan. John's couple of seconds hallucinating her were the worst seconds of the episode, and that is quite a feat.

OK, so the acting itself wasn't too terrible this week. But the writing was horrible, written by some high-school student that has not written a synopsis first. just making things up as they go, with occasional moments of "Oh, I might want to do something about that in the future, so I will do some hack foreshadowing. Oh, but that would not fit with what I wrote before. Oh well, I'm not rewriting it!"

It is just so fucking stupid, with people making the worst possible decisions as though they are normal. That's why I say it is a high-school student. Whoever is writing this is acting as though they have the whole world figured out, and that they know how people act and react, but none of it is actually realistic. Scientists that do not do real science, a military that acts nothing like a military, a governing council that doesn't really govern, no one can follow a single order, people who you know you can't trust are trusted... it is all so dumb.
 

Lerticus

Senile Old Coot
☭ Communism ☭
You just made a 2k word post for a show you do not enjoy.
Why?
Because I am old and like to yell at things that annoy me.

Edit: I also said I would review each episode, so I'm doing that. Some people just want to know what is going on, and not watch it themselves. I provide a service.

Also, you are wrong. I made a 2k word post for one episode of a show I do not enjoy. I have written many more angry words.
I thought he was Warrant? They get referred to as chief and are technically officers.
E-9, senior noncom.

Even if did have a warrant, any junior commissioned officer should be able to tell him "no, chief". That he just tells officers to fuck off shows just how poorly written the show is.
 
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Lerticus

Senile Old Coot
☭ Communism ☭
  • If you thought that Kwan only became a pain in the ass because her father and friends died... nope! Flashback shows she really was insufferable long before that.
  • Kwan's argument is that winning the war would return Madrigal to being the free place it once was, so nothing changes and there is no need for people to think they are doing good for fighting back. That... that describes every war in history. Peace > war > peace. What is this fucking bullshit logic!? And why did we have to start the episode with the worst character in the series!?
  • Kwan drives into a sandstorm at full speed with no visibility. Also with no eye protection. Good thing that this is all just bad CG.
  • What were the writers thinking would be the reaction to Kwan getting a bag thrown over her head? I cheered a little. But only a little, because this was clearly written to make people who care about Kwan go "oh no!" and have them be invested in her further adventures. No, I have no idea who those people are either.
  • Soren is suddenly back on Space Tortuga telling all sorts of stories that are all better than this series. He just teleports himself off to the space station in moments after getting hit from behind two episodes ago.
  • Kwan the captive has her hood removed, and less than two seconds later starts yelling commands at these people.
  • These people are the mystics that Kwan's daddy hung out with, like his forefathers also did we are told. but that is all we are told because the writers are mistaken in thinking that people are on the edge of their seats waiting for a reveal to this non-mystery.
  • New governor dude rolls in the back seat of a Mad Max limo. His name is Vinsher, so there are 'V' markings all over the limo, inside and out. Exposition exposition, must find Kwan Ha. For reasons.
  • On the space station, the transport pods take you wherever you want to do without actually entering a destination. That's convenient.
  • And back to Madrigal. Fuck this whiplash back and forth of two stories. At least have more than a two minute conversation before flipping to the other story. Or, crazy thought, make those stories compelling.
  • Mystics give Kwan some magic dreamwalking juice. Pfft... lazy writing. You want to snort a lizard up your nose for good stories. She proudly claims she is not afraid, and then enters the dream to immediately freak out. Probably for good reason, because she dreams of fighting MC in his armor. Watching her get repeatedly beat down effortlessly by MC is probably her high point of the series.
  • Her dream-daddy tells Kwan she is special and important, so we know that this is all a steaming pile of horseshit. Oh, and the magic planet with the magic deuterium plants also powers a magic portal that may or may not only exist in this dream space. It goes to somewhere, but until it is "safe" no one will know where. Pussies just didn't go though over all these generations is more likely.
  • Also, it brings up a question of what year this is all supposed to be in. We see Kwan's ancestors who all "protected" planet Madrigal. There are at a minimum six generations before her. If this colony is so old, then why does everything still look like first-gen shit?
  • UNSC sends their precious cargo without any sort of escort or security. They practically beg pirates to steal from them.
  • Soren heats up a padlock with a blowtorch until the metal goes soft, then he knocks the padlock off with his bare hand! Soren is the real badass of this series.
  • Soren is back on Madrigal to protect Kwan. Yes, in the time it took Kwan to drive blindly into the desert, go on a dream walkabout, and then back to the camp where everyone died in the first episode... Soren walked to the spaceport that was days walk away on foot from where he was stranded, got on a transport, probably had to go to a secondary location (because I doubt the transport would be scheduled to visit Space Pirate Island), catch a ride to his base, have a party, get informed of a score, plan and execute the piracy, return to space base, relax for a while, decide to fly all the way back to Madrigal and tracked down Kwan. One or both are true: Soren is a speed freak and/or Kwan is just getting lost every five seconds.
  • Governor has an army. Soren is ready to fight, but Kwan the Protector insists on her own plan. Blow up the plant and kill everyone while maybe not dying if they hide in a protected vault room. Pretty shitty protecting.
  • Kwan: "I will scurry through the tunnels to get to the closed valve and open it." Soren: "Cool. I'll kill everyone while you are away."
  • *scurry scurry scurry* *Soren kills a dozen enemy soldiers with his revolver* *scurry* *three more dead, this time with a knife* *scurry scurry* *kills one with his bare hands because this is all just too easy* *encounters one enemy and almost gets killed because she is a terrible warrior despite her earlier claims* *Soren shoots that guy too; he is a few dozen feet from the controls, so he really could have done Kwan's job just as well as her "shortcut" did for her* *Kwan runs and hides a bunch* *Soren slowly meanders through the camp and continues to mow down everyone with his revolver, every shot a kill*
  • Kwan hides and finds a Covenant grenade. She wildly guesses that this must be a sticky grenade, plants it on a guy, and blows him up in a bad CG effect with a radius of a dog farting in the wind. Don't know why everyone ran away, Covenant tech is almost as useless as the UNSC shit.
  • Governor is there in person, and he is the main bad guy of the episode, so he alone is able to shoot and disable Soren. That way Kwan is forced to fight for once. With great symbolism she finds MC's rifle just lying on the ground, so, like, they are linked, man, you know?
  • Soren crawls about to get his revolver. Instead of anyone just shooting him, the governor stands around and speaks all poetically. This gives Kwan time to blow the plant.
  • The vault they get into, while dramatically outrunning the explosion in an emulation of far better productions? Some rickety doors that don't even seal completely, and there are vents on the doors. The duo are not protected from the pressure at all, and thankfully flames only go a couple of feet through open slats if they are on a door. Every other building gets completely destroyed, but the unsealed room right next to the explosion is fine.
  • It rains, so now Kwan's soul is cleansed or some shit, because now she acts like some Zen monk.
  • The important part is that Soren gets paid. Now he can afford to have more pirate adventures on his own show that I am still trying to push forward.
  • Kwan: "We'll see each other again!" Soren: "God, I hope not!" Actual dialogue. So say we all, Soren. So say we all.
Despite this being a Kwan-centric episode, it was one of the better ones. Yes, the jumping between her and Soren for the first half was annoying as fuck, but on this series what isn't? We at least get to see Kwan get beaten down numerous times (catharsis!), and Soren steals the show with his being a real badass. His part of the back and forth portion was better than average as well, so Kwan couldn't bring down the mood too much.

I can see why they split up these last two episodes like this, to avoid overcrowding episodes with two different plots. But that decision gets undermined in this episode when they decide to use two plots anyway. It also feels like they cut out an episode of Soren content to move him from one location to another, but then they realized that Kwan would need far less time to do her thing so they just parachuted him everywhere in an effort to not make it seem like he was away for too long.

Even if it was a not entirely unwatchable episode, it still demonstrates that the series production as a whole is terrible. Pacing is awkward, people just appear and disappear, motivations are boring. No, really, tell me how much time has elapsed in this show. Sometimes it feels like it has been one long afternoon, other times you could swear that it has been months. You can't tell because of the amateur pacing and scene setting.

Oh well, I guess we are back to Master Chief again next week. All of the tension from his touching the artifact and getting a grand revelation will be lost, but that's Halo the series for you.
 
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