The point of this fic is to be mindless fun.
Put a reasonably sane person in an insane environment and see what happens.
If you want a light, mostly hearted and silly read about the caricature setting of Grand Thief Auto videogame please enjoy. If you want hard-hitting drama. This is not it.
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Story:
1
My head hurts!
There is way too much light. I cover my eyes with my left hand, even with my eyelids shut it is still too bright in here.
I'm hurting all over. I need a new mattress. There is way too much pain to think. I roll out of bed and find the floor is closer that it should be.
There is the unmistakable stench of homeless person around. That is a euphemism for it stinks of piss and shit.
I try to stand up but the best I could was getting on my hand end knees.
'Nope' even in my internal musings I pop the "P" 'not fit enough to face the world.'
I roll back onto the bed, or what I think is the bed and cover my face with the blanket. Whatever is going on I cannot face it in this condition.
I will sleep off whatever is wrong with me.
--------------------
I am slowly and far more softly that before released from Morpheus gentle embrace. Opening my eyes, I find that there is just a tiny bit of light coming from the window. Street-lights I guess.
Slowly and with a great deal of care I sit up. Everything still hurts. I cover my face with my hands.
"Was geht Ab?" I ask myself out loud, my voice is hoarse and high-pitched. I need to stop speaking to myself in German. I know I'm butchering the language. I cover my face with my hands.
'Huh?' My beard is gone. That is the first thing I notice, however my hands feel something far more alarming. This is not my nose, those are not my lips, And I fucking know I have far more teeth than what my tongue is finding.
"Nie nie nie nie nie." I say out loud reverting to my own language.
'This is a dream this is not happening!' I think to myself. My breath is coming fast my heart is pounding in my chest. I think I'm about to pass out.
I pat myself down, then my hands reached something that had no right of being there!
And I did.
Unconsciousness takes me...
-------------------
"WHERE IS MY MONEY YOU BITCH!!!"
A strong kick to my ribs wakes me right up. You ever got woken up by a being kicked. Trust me I don't recommend it. However it does have a small benefit of clearing your mind.
There is a man standing over me black T and khakis. He rases his leg to stomp me,
"WHERE IS MY FU..." I don't let him finish, I grab his shoe that he was in process of directing at my stomach and push up with everything I have. The wall is behind me, I use it for leverage. He loses his balance and falls on his back.
'Heh, serves you right' I smirk thinking that.
Then I spot something that drains all the humour out of my face. There is a pistol sticking out of his belt.
'No, I'm not dying Here!' The man rolls on his front and tries to stand up.
I'm not giving him that chance!
I pounce him and hook my right arm around his neck, with my left I push his head forward.
He grabs my arm around him and tries to pull it away. To my terror, his is far too successful in that endeavour!
The guy looks somewhat athletic, but nothing I can't handle, why am I so weak!?!
The fucker is trying to stand up!
With my entire weight on his back and succeeding! My arm is pulled away from his throat. He grabs the back of my shirt and flips me over his head and on to the floor like I weight nothing!!!
I'm on my back and he is kneeling above me. His elbow pressing on my neck.
'I'm going to die here!'
My hand reaches out of the gun behind his belt. Its a Browning 1911. I recognise it because the is a bunch of rubber bands holding down the grip mounted safety.
'Oh Oh Please have a round in the chamber!' I pray.
My middle finger flips of the safety leaver my pointing finger presses the trigger. Loud sound assaults my ears as the man yells and the pressure from my throat disappears.
I would like to say I meant to do that, but I was just luck. My finger is still in the trigger guard and the hand is in my hands.
Before thinking I fire five more times.
The man stops moving and a stack of green bills falls out of his pocket.
"Wat?" I don't even bother with proper pronunciation.
I sit cross legged on the floor and look at my attacker. Or my ex-attacker to be more specific.
I look at the weapon in my hand. Where normally you would see the manufacturers name it only says "Pistol"
"Wat?" Yeah I am very eloquent today don't you think?
There is a loaded gun in my hand, there is a dead body in the room. I need to think!
As in on autopilot I press the magazine release. It slips right out. I pull the slide back and a single cartridge goes flying. I check the chamber and mag well. Both empty.
I point the gun up and dry fire in the air. Its not a rim fire so I get to do that. Also fuck you everybody that say you should never dry fire.
I keep trying to think and only thought that enters my mind is how do you field strip a M1911.
I need a cigarette, looking around the room I find no such luck. Empty bottle an fine collection of different colour stains. A disgusting looking mattress, a piece of rag that I though was a blanket, but it could be a towel at some point. A window on one wall and doors on two others. That is about the sum total of furniture in the room.
I took stock of the situation. There is night outside. There is a dead body in my room. There is a gun in my hand, I'm now a woman, a very skinny woman at that. But not attractive skinny, more like malnutrition skinny. I'm also black, did I mention that?
My stomach is grumbling. I ignore it. It does it again. Ok fine I am hungry. I also do not see a phone in the room. I need to call the police, about the home invasion and my self-defence.
Yes I'm going out to report the crime, not to get something to eat. Yes I'm going straight to the nearest law enforcement I can find. Not to get something to eat. No sir.
Standing up I reach for my wallet. I look at it.
It is the first familiar thing I see since I woke up. I look in side. No bills, no coins either for that matter. There is a ID. I read it. A California Driving license, Name Saskia Jefferson. Born May 1st 1959 in Los Santos USA. The name says nothing to me, the place of birth sounds familiar.
"Wat?" Did I mention I'm feeling very eloquent today?
I check in the only reflective surface I can find, the window, and look at the refection. The face that is looking back at me fits the photo ID. But I'm almost sixty? I don't feel sixty. And from I can see in the reflection this woman, well I also don't. My stomach grumbles again. Ok fine. I know I'm hungry, but I have no money. My stomach grumbles again. I look at the stack of bills next to the man. My stomach grumbles some more.
"Ok but if we get arrested for murder AND robbery it is all on you." I say looking accusatory at my stomach. It says something about the state of your sanity if you are yellings at your own body parts.
I grab the money on the floor and go out.
First door turn out to be the closet. That was embarrassing.
Second door lead outside.
Now I go out.
--------------------------
Turns out there is a pizza place something like 300 meters from where I woke up.
Going inside I find the place not really all that clean but whatever I'm not that picky. I get my order and sit down to eat.
"This is A Raid!" I hear some young man yelling pointing a pistol at the guy behind the counter. I know the drill I duck under the table.
"Ryder? Not this again"The cashier doesn't look impressed or worried.
"What You talking About It 'aint me fool" The robber replays.
The somewhat calm delivery is at odds with the situation. The patrons are covering just like I do. But they don't seem all that worried.
Ryder? I recall that name. I look at the only other person still standing. A young man in white T-shirt.
That's Carl Johnson, CJ.
There is shooting around me. Somehow I don't pay it much attention.
The Cashier, Ryder and CJ run out of the place. The patrons return to their seat. I walk outside.
The cashier is running after a retreating pick up firing a shoot gun. I look around.
There is a barber shop in front of me. There is an auto repair shop to the right.
I look at the name of the Pizza place.
"Well Stacked Pizza."
Men in purple are walking around in groups.
If I was writing this, I do fancy my self some what a writer, I would have my focus character have a blue screen of death flashing before its eyes.
But People don't do that. So no error message in my view.
Carl Johnson, cars of makes I never heard of driving down the streets.
I'm in the world of the video game Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.
"MOTHERFUCKER!" I yell at the top of my lungs
'Fuck it' I think to myself, 'we will see how its goes.'
I'm also still hungry.
I get back to the pizza place to finish my meal and maybe get another.
Eat now, think later.
2.
Two meals and 20$ of my attacker money later. My head was far clearer, and I begun to take stock in the situation.
I was a self-insert in caricature of early 1990's USA.
San Andreas. Los Santos, and Gonton were not a good places to be in.
How I got here was really not important. Getting out was.
My train of thoughts was derailed by the sound of gun shoots to my left. I dropped flat. Two cars drove by with the passengers on both were shooting at each other. The engines roar as they speed by. The moment they were out of sight I got to my feet and run straight to the room I woke up in.
It was a short distance but I was out of breath after not more that a hundred meters. After that the best I put myself to was nothing more that a casual jog.
Still I run up stairs and in the apartment that was either mine, or the guy that I murdered. The moment I got inside I grabbed the gun still on the floor and rammed the magazine in the mag well.
Safety off, slide back. Round in the chamber. I put the safety back on. The gun was ready. I spot the single cartridge on the floor. I bent over to pick it up, pulled the clip out. Screw you I'm calling them clips from now on. I put the round in the clip counted the rounds inside. Eleven rounds.
That action finished, I collapse out of breath.
God damn it! I never was this much out of shape. I used to run half marathons in my training routine.
This woman was a wreck!
What could I do. So far I didn't alert the authorities to the 3 shootings that took place in the span of last 30 minutes.
I looked at the dead body on the floor.
I evaluated my options.
Option one: Do nothing. Nope not happening.
Option two: Call the cops ,see what happens.
For all I known this apartment could be his, and I was the one on the wrong side of the law. If that was true the best I could hope for was self-defence in a domestic dispute.
Option Three: Skip town. Yeah and go where Einstein. San Andreas is an Island water on every side. The smell was beginning to get offensive. I need clearer air to think.
Screw it. I just killed a man. I'm calling the cops.
---------------
The first place I got to was the Barber Shop. The barber looked like someone that would let me use his phone. I hoped.
Going through the door. Getting through the door an elderly got out from his seat.
"Saskia, long time no see." He greeted me."Here for a hair cut. My skill in those new fancy lady hair styles is not that impressive but I will do what I can."
That surprised me. The man knew me by name and I forgot his. In my defence he was just a single mission NPC. I always just picked the most expensive cut from the list and that was that.
"Well sir, I'm not here for that" I said politely."I hate to trouble you but would I be posible for me to use your phone. I need to call the police."
"What happened?" He asked, I couldn't read him all that well, but he did look concerned.
"You know where I live?" I asked testing the waters.
"Yes, you have a little apartment in a house near by." Good to know maybe the apartment was mine. My case started to looking far better.
"Well I was attacked. Someone barded in and kicked me when I was sleeping." I told my story."We struggled, I got my hands on his gun, I panicked I fired. He is dead, I think."
No need to tell him I fired a couple of rounds at a man curled up in a foetal position.
"Oh my Lord" the man exclaimed"Please sit down. I will call them for you." The man mentioned for the seat, and picked up a phone that hanged on the wall. He dialled an number that I assumed was 911. Holding the receiver to his ear, he turned to me. "It is terrible what is happening in this neighbourhood, decent folk being attacked in their own homes.
I sat down on the chair he pointed. For the first time I got a good look at my face. Crack Whore and Junky were one of the kindest descriptions that could be applied to me.
I tuned out what the man was saying over the phone. I was fully engrossed in the study of my face and features. I rolled up my sleeves and checked my hands for needle marks. Thankfully I didn't found any. One bullet dodged I guess. Still this body had potential, a lot of healthy food and she, well I, could look somewhat presentable.
"Saskia, the Police said there will be over soon." he said "So in the hour or 5 that you wait, why don't you get a hair cut?"
I don't know was it him gently pointing out I have a crews nest on my head, or if he was trying to get my money. If the later joke on him the money is not mine. I already spend 20$ why not a bit more. Plus I wondered I he could do the same magic he could in-game. Turning CJ default short hair in a mo-hawk was bullshit not to mention clean shave CJ could walkout with a goat tie. If he could do something like that, maybe, just maybe, I could do something in this world. If I got landed on this perversion of caricature of Los Angeles I may have some fun with it.
"That sounds good, anything you can recommend?" I asked
"Girl I can torn you in to Foxy Brown"
The mental image of me with a full blown afro was too hilarious. I let out a snort of amusement. At least that was my intention. What escaped my lips was a very girly giggle. Stupid body with stupid muscle memory. Does muscle memory even work like that. You know what muscle memory is my story and I'm sticking with it. I do not giggle like a school girl.
"You know what please, Sir do your magic!"
----------------------
That was not the best idea I had. Turns out the guy could do a lot but there was no re-do button. So yeah, I sat there with a Pam Grier afro.
The man looked very pleased with himself. I paid him the 500$ he asked for. Wow. That was close one third off all the money I had. Still what ever I will most likely end up in jail very soon. The cops were not here yet. I told the nice and very expensive barber that I'm going to get something. And will be back in a jif. He said that its no problem if the cops show up before I comeback he will just direct them to my place. Somehow I suspected he thought I'm skipping town. Not that I'm that good at reading people but he ended with.
"I wish you the best of luck, and take care of yourself."
Not the 'see you soon' he gave CJ in-game, then again CJ did have him call the cops on himself. Maybe the guy wished me luck dealing with the police. So I'm 50/50 on that one.
My next stop was "Binco" store a bit down and on the other side of rail-road tracks.
The motto "more trash for less cash" that hang over the entrance was very much fitting. But the clothes they had was clean unlike what I had on.
I chose long pants and a jacket. Total purchase of 97$. Yes officer the guy I shot had 1237$ on him. No way was it 1854$. I did not spend 617$ of the man I murdered on going to a restaurant getting my hair done and buying new clothes. No Sir Mister Officer Sir.
The rags, I had on went in to a plastic bag, guess the cops would want them. I doubt they will test for gun powder residue as I was very much going to tell the that yes he is dead and I shot him. Still evidence and all that.
As I walked back in the direction of my residence.
A teenager stopped me. He was wearing green to inform people of his gang affiliation. The yellow joint in his hand was lit.
"Lady you should have not called the cops." He said puffy cannabis smoke in my direction. What, I do know how it smells I was a teenager once. A life time ago, and a world way.
"And why is that?" I asked, the kid was laid back and didn't look intimidating. I didn't fear him. I maybe in a body that a strong brease could flip over but 9 years doing security told me enoght to atleast defend myself. I mentally kicked myself for thinking like this. He was in the gang. One of him was no problem four of him with baseball bats and Tec-9 would make a short work of me.
"Lady you shoul'd have called me. There is a body in at your pad I could make it go away, and it wouldn't even cost you that much."
I rolled my eyes.
"You are about as big as I am, you would be able to lift him." I said. For somereason I put my hand on my side and cocked a hip. Ok clearly that was just muscle memory.
"Shit, not like I would do it alone I would help you move it or something." He looked afronted,"And put some meat on those bones no nigger wants a skinny bitch."
"I apprecheate your input, but could you kindly. Fuck off."
"You nasty ass skank ass bitch!" He spat in my direction. "This a free country and I will hand where ever I wish to, skank ass bitch."
In the corner of my eye I spot some purple.
"Tell that to them." I said pointing in the direction of four men in purple.
The kid took one look in the direction and went off running like the hounds of hell were on his heels.
"Hehehe" The lought made me spin in its direction.
An old guy got up from a porch. How did I not see him sitting there was beyond me. This body situational awarness sucked ass.
"Don't mind my grandson." said the old timer. "He acts like a big bad Grove Street OG but he is a good kid."
"No problem sir."I said smiling, so far only positive interactions I had in this world was with old men. The cashier in both the Pizza place was going on autopilot and the girl at binco was far to cherry for it to be real. "I don't mind."
"Johnny is a good kid. He used to live with me, but now that this area is full of those boys that wear purple, he needs to stay at his aunt."
Even if the oldtimer was friendly, I really seen on point of me talking to him. He reminded me of my naybour in my first appartment building. Nice friendly and always happy to talk. Problem is he kept telling the same 4 stories over and over again. The one how he wanted to go invade Czechoslavakia with the others in 1967 was one of his favorites. Considering now is 1992 ,or 91 need to check that, and he looked over 80, I have no time for his story about how he hunted Pancho Villa. Man my math sucks. He was far to young for that. Back then he was still going to school.
"Well sir I have to go and wait for the police and probably get arrested."I said "So if you don't mind I be going now."
"Its good to hear you young people still have some respect for your elders." The smile the guy gave me was radiant. His teeth were pearly white."I think you wont get arrested, today. Just tell the cops how he kicked you when you was sleeping and how you shot his balls off inself defence."
"How do you know about that?" I asked actually curious. I did not told this part to the barber.
"You live here long enough to know news travel fast." I rased a single eyebrow at that. Ok it maybe skinny and the wrong sex but my real body never could do that. Yay for muscle memory.
"He you know how old people are, we have far to much time on our hands. Missis Kennedy told me, she said seen the whole thing, But I doubt she did. The old bat probably heard in and passed it along."
All hail the geriatric brigade! I though bitterly. Why is it that old people consider looking out the window to be more interesting that the TV. In my old life when one time the police dropped me off at my place, the news was that I'm a gangster. The second time it happened every old lady on the block thought I was in the Police. Old gossips are the same in every city.
"Sir I really need to get going."
"You are a goof kid, Saskia" Great another person that knows my name."So I tell you this. Don't go to you place, theres a dead body there. Go to the gym or the pizza place. Either way it will put some meat on your bones."
Yet another person telling me I look skinny. The annoying thing was they were right. I did look like a walking sceleton.
"Thanks for the tip." I said smiling, Noticed I do smile a lot. I blame the germans for that one."I will be going to the gym now."
"Good for you, healthy body healthy mind."
"Sir I you don't mind me asking." he montioned for me to continue."Could I get the number of your dentist." I smiled for the first time showing my teeth. I know how they looked like, yellow is not a color teeth shound have.
"No problem" he reached for his pocket and pulled out a visit card with a phone number and an address. I will be checking that place out if no one arrests me today. "You got to the gym and let off some steam. I will call them if the cops arrive."
Yeah Gym sounded right about right. If CJ could go from a skinny guy to a bodybuilder in something like a week in-game. Maybe, just maybe, this stick figure of a body gets to look like a human being in a month or so.
3.
The gym was nothing special. It was a gym.
As I entered the gym trainer, I guess he was the owner approached me.
"You looking for someone?" I was expecting something like this. I was not your standard clientèle.
"No, came to get in shape." I replied
The guy gave me a one over saying I needed it. Oh screw you to.
I got to the treadmill and turned it on. Level 1 was way too slow for me. I pushed the button till level 7 till I got any real work out done. I'm my real life I was no sprinter, long distance running was more my thing. But here, I had no problem sprinting. It was a bizarre experience.
Outside the tread mill I couldn't run 100 meters, here the number on the treadmill was going just turned in four digits and I had no problem keeping my pace.
"Hey lady, cops are at your place" It was the owner that called out. I said my thanks and got off.
Turns out this little treadmill time did wonders for my condition. I think I managed to sprint good 300 meters before dropping to a jog.
As the guy said there was a police car parked on the side walk.
I walked in the building head high.
-------------------
"Hey this Is a crime scene." Said a cop as I tried to get in the door of my apartment. There were two uniform cops inside. As I got in the one of them was going through the pockets of the dead guy.
"I know I'm the one who called."
"Oh, you seen what happened?" He asked
"Yes Sir."It was funny calling a guy ten years my junior a sir.
As I gave my statement. The two of them looked bored. The moment I extended my hand with the money in it they both perked up. One cop snatched the money from my hand and started counting.
"I don't know how much it is." I said faking ignorance."I'm not good with numbers"
"There is 50 bucks here." Turns out my body has a great poker face. Not as single muscle twitched, on my face. I just gave him something like over 1000$.
I extended my hand with the plastic bag. Here are the clothes I had on, that's evidence right.
The one not counting the money took it from me.
"There was also this." I said taking out the gun. I'm not that stupid. I didn't just pulled a gun on two police officers. I held it by the barrel with my thumb and forefinger.
The pistol went in the same plastic bag my stinking clothes were. Real professional there.
"Yeah this looks like a clear case of self-defence." Said the one with the money. Then he came close to me. Looked me in the eyes and added. "Don't do it again. Will be watching."
"Sir, yes sir."
"Good keep clean now." Then he walked out.
"What about the dead guy?" I called out after them as they descended the stair case.
"Call the morgue." said one to the other and they were gone.
That was one surreal experience. Deciding I don't want to wait in a room with a dead guy, I went out for a walk.
As I walked I started thinking. So this is San Andreas, what I do know about the place. Not much turns out.
I did remember two spots in the area where I could find guns, but that was about it.
'Emmet' he is a guy that gave CJ a gun ,for free I might add, in one of the early mission.
Hell so far I had a good track record with old guys around here. On the other hand, the guy sold guns, he didn't just gave them away. I nixed the idea. The one other place I remembered was next to the train station. There was a MP-5 behind a little wall.
It doesn't hurt to try. I decided and went on my way. As I walked through a residential area a taxi parked on a drive way in front of me. The driver got out and went in to the house. I just stood there observing.
There was a taxi and no one in it.
As casually as I could I approached. I looked around. No one was looking at me.
Ok this is the GTA world. I tried my luck. The doors were opened. I got in. The keys were in the ignition.
Seriously?
This can't be that easy.
-----------------
Turns out it was that easy. I just drove out of the drive way and out in to the city. Funny thing about the taxi. Someone said it was to be a Chevrolet Caprice. I didn't see the resemblance. Another thing I found interesting. Was the gear box. It was an automatic, so surprise here, this was America. It was strangely marked though. G S and B. Turns out those letters were Drive, Neutral and Reverse. "Go" "Stop" and "Back" I guess. As for the radio. The best thing about it was the OFF button. Now I was down town, the taxi light was one and I was looking for a fare. My first costumer was a young girl in trashy clothing. She wanted to go to down town Ammu-Nation. Turns out with out the map and an icon navigating Los Santos was not that easy.
That was not really a problem. The problem was, all the other matherfuckers on the road!
I did not see a single person use a blinker. I actually checked the car I was driving if they actually worked.
Yes they worked, so why was no one using theirs boggled the mind. It was like Germany all over again.
Also who the hell gave all those people driving licences. I seen something like 50 accidents and traffic violations.
It irked me.
But when in Rome. I never run so many red lights in my life.
Still I drove for hours, I had to drive to a gas station twice. Turns out there is no such thing as infinite fuel. Good to know. Finding fares was not as easy as it was in game, but it was still quite easy. I seen someone trying to flag down a cab every 5 minutes or such. I had 7 costumers before someone asked me to drive them to the train station. Parking the cab I went to a place I know a SMG was.
There was no SMG in sight. Guess you wont find guns just right there on the floor. That would be silly. Then I remembered the talk with the cops. This was a silly place. I started knocking on the pavement. My search yielded results. One of the tiles was loose. I lifted it and found a brand new MP-5 Sub-machine gun. As with the 1911 the only writing on the side said Sub Machine Gun.
I ran to the cab and hid the weapon under the driver seat.
It was when I started having trouble keeping my eyes opened, that I decided to go back.
I parked next to the Pizza place. Not wanting to go back to the whole in the wall that was my apartment I went to sleep in the cab.
-----------------------
Waking up the next day, the first thing I did was get breakfast, a salad at the pizza place. Then I gone to the Gym. and tried the dumbbells. I was 'Pumping Iron' till the trainer guy told me that I had enough and I shouldn't over train. He shoo-ed me out after that.
The gym works by magic, in real life you don't go from, famine victim to having pronounced biceps after a single gym session.
If this place worked like that I decided I'll getting a job.
A nasty smirk appeared on my lips, oh I going to do some game braking.
4.
Operation job hunting was progressing nicely.
That is I parked my stolen taxi in front of the Police Precinct.
Got inside and asked are there any openings for the police academy. People I asked were looking at me like I grown a second head. That however did not deter me. I keep asking question till I find out. There was no such thing as a police academy. They did have a lecture hall in the basement though. I got a form to fill out.
The form was fairly standard. It turned out I only needed to write everything I had on my driving license.
After that I got a multiple choice test.
You remember those multiple choice test you had to fill out in school, those easy things that you only needed to attend class and listen to get a passing grade?
If I told you this one was easier I would not be giving this thing justice.
Under each question there were 3 answers.
'Yes' 'No' and 'Que?'. No really the third option was 'what' in Spanish.
And the questions were even more of a joke. The first asked me if I was an illegal alien. Next asked me am I on drugs. My favourite was 'a driver flips you off is it ok to shoot him'. I ended up circling 'No' under every single one.
After tense 3 minutes where some overweight officer checked my test I was told, to comeback Monday 8 AM sharp. I had to ask what day was today. One awkward look and an answer later I was out the door. So its Friday today good to know.
Going out of the precinct I had mixed feelings about the whole thing. On the one hand GTA Police was a joke, they would be glad to have me. On the other, GTA Police was a joke, the hell I was doing around those idiots?
I had the whole weekend to burn.
I had my routine all planned out. Wake up, go to the gym, train. Go to the pizza place, eat. Get on my BMX. No, I have not stolen it. It was just standing there all alone in the skate park. Drive to the beach swim. Get bach to my bike. Go to sleep. Repeat.
I know what you are thinking. I'm grinding like there is no tomorrow. But you know what? Have you ever got instant results from your training. No? Me neither, I gain something like 20kg, yes some of that was fat, but the rest was pure muscle. I never was in such a shape. Not even right after getting out of the army. Hell I was confident that I could take my Army self on with this body and win!
Do I sound far to please with my self. That's the endorphins for you. Natural high that does not cost a dime! Yeah me. Going to sleep was far easier now. Oh did I mentioned. I'm sleeping back in my apartment. The dead body was gone. The morgue people most likely. I was out so I don't really know.
But lets get back to me sleeping better. You know the saying. 'I'm laughing because if I don't laugh I'll start crying.'
You don't? Well, it applies to my situation. I'm in a hostile world, no way to get home, and I'm in a body that is not mine. Luckly there are no mirrors in my apartment. Tomorrow I will start my Police training.
--------------------------
Police training sucks! The guy giving us lectures says everything in the most bored voice imaginable. I slapped my face four times not to fall asleep, and it not even 8:30. I wouldn't be so bad if I could learn something from those lectures. But no, what they are giving us is security guard one-oh-one. Fuck I could give the same lecture he does and do it better. This is the third time I'm taking this same fucking lecture. First in Poland for the stupid 2012 Euro Football Championship, then in Germany because Germans don't recognise Polish security certificates, now in made up US of A. I check my schedule 100 hours of lectures. Ten hours a day five days a week. After that we have 50 hours physical training. After that we get practical training with a training officer. 100 hours. So in Los Santos it takes 250 hours or 5 weeks to become a respected officer of the law.
The guy is still going on about fire extinguishers. And to make it even better he gets things wrong. I hope you do try to put out a electric fire with water extinguisher, like you just told a class off 50 people. Idiot!
As for my class, I'm the oldest person here. At 33 I'm 10 years older that the oldest guy here.
Wait back up, did I say 50 people, its only 45 now. Five guys walked out already.
Before the class started I didn't get the chance to talk with anyone but I did to a cursory glance
There are only 4 other women in the class, making me the fifth. There are 12 black people in the class making me the 13th. Did I mentioned I'm black? No, must have slipped my mind. If you wake up with a different gender little things like the melanin level in your skin don't even register.
As I try to occupy my mind with something better to think about someone passes me a note.
"Miss please read to the rest of the class what is so important that you are passing notes in class instead of paying attention." The lecturer noticed, he may have the most boring voice of any human alive but he does have a sharp eye.
I stand up and pretend to read, might as well have some fun. As I do stand up the guy next to me that passed me the not tenses up.
"Is this guy for real? I seen more spunk in a dead seagull. Also what is he smoking? He told us we should use water to put out fire on electric wiring. He should do exactly that maybe he wake the fuck up. Dumb ass cracker."
A chorus of laughter comes from the class.
The guy next to me is white so the last part was there just so he won't get in trouble.
Well the lecturer looks far more lively that a second before, there is far more colour on his face that before.
"Bring that note here!" The guy is livid.
I crumble the note in my hand and put it in my mouth.
"Sorry sir I think I must have lost it." I say.
"You think your so funny!"The lecturer says.
"Not particularly, no. Sir" I reply, truthfully for a change.
"Sit back, down!!!"The guy says through gritted teeth.
I do as ordered. The rest of the lecture is even less interesting. The guy is now reading to us from a manual.
Fuck my new life!
-----------
Nine hours later the lecture is over. Every body gets up and cue to the exit. I find it ironic that a lecture about fire code was conducted in a hall that does not keep to it. The single door is far to narrow.
I can't wait to get out.
Outside I find that someone stole my bike. Looks I will be walking. I can't wait till physical training start. Got to be in the best shape possible. Swimming it is. I guess I can squeeze in four hours in before I need to turn in for the night.
Put a reasonably sane person in an insane environment and see what happens.
If you want a light, mostly hearted and silly read about the caricature setting of Grand Thief Auto videogame please enjoy. If you want hard-hitting drama. This is not it.
88888888888888888
Story:
1
My head hurts!
There is way too much light. I cover my eyes with my left hand, even with my eyelids shut it is still too bright in here.
I'm hurting all over. I need a new mattress. There is way too much pain to think. I roll out of bed and find the floor is closer that it should be.
There is the unmistakable stench of homeless person around. That is a euphemism for it stinks of piss and shit.
I try to stand up but the best I could was getting on my hand end knees.
'Nope' even in my internal musings I pop the "P" 'not fit enough to face the world.'
I roll back onto the bed, or what I think is the bed and cover my face with the blanket. Whatever is going on I cannot face it in this condition.
I will sleep off whatever is wrong with me.
--------------------
I am slowly and far more softly that before released from Morpheus gentle embrace. Opening my eyes, I find that there is just a tiny bit of light coming from the window. Street-lights I guess.
Slowly and with a great deal of care I sit up. Everything still hurts. I cover my face with my hands.
"Was geht Ab?" I ask myself out loud, my voice is hoarse and high-pitched. I need to stop speaking to myself in German. I know I'm butchering the language. I cover my face with my hands.
'Huh?' My beard is gone. That is the first thing I notice, however my hands feel something far more alarming. This is not my nose, those are not my lips, And I fucking know I have far more teeth than what my tongue is finding.
"Nie nie nie nie nie." I say out loud reverting to my own language.
'This is a dream this is not happening!' I think to myself. My breath is coming fast my heart is pounding in my chest. I think I'm about to pass out.
I pat myself down, then my hands reached something that had no right of being there!
And I did.
Unconsciousness takes me...
-------------------
"WHERE IS MY MONEY YOU BITCH!!!"
A strong kick to my ribs wakes me right up. You ever got woken up by a being kicked. Trust me I don't recommend it. However it does have a small benefit of clearing your mind.
There is a man standing over me black T and khakis. He rases his leg to stomp me,
"WHERE IS MY FU..." I don't let him finish, I grab his shoe that he was in process of directing at my stomach and push up with everything I have. The wall is behind me, I use it for leverage. He loses his balance and falls on his back.
'Heh, serves you right' I smirk thinking that.
Then I spot something that drains all the humour out of my face. There is a pistol sticking out of his belt.
'No, I'm not dying Here!' The man rolls on his front and tries to stand up.
I'm not giving him that chance!
I pounce him and hook my right arm around his neck, with my left I push his head forward.
He grabs my arm around him and tries to pull it away. To my terror, his is far too successful in that endeavour!
The guy looks somewhat athletic, but nothing I can't handle, why am I so weak!?!
The fucker is trying to stand up!
With my entire weight on his back and succeeding! My arm is pulled away from his throat. He grabs the back of my shirt and flips me over his head and on to the floor like I weight nothing!!!
I'm on my back and he is kneeling above me. His elbow pressing on my neck.
'I'm going to die here!'
My hand reaches out of the gun behind his belt. Its a Browning 1911. I recognise it because the is a bunch of rubber bands holding down the grip mounted safety.
'Oh Oh Please have a round in the chamber!' I pray.
My middle finger flips of the safety leaver my pointing finger presses the trigger. Loud sound assaults my ears as the man yells and the pressure from my throat disappears.
I would like to say I meant to do that, but I was just luck. My finger is still in the trigger guard and the hand is in my hands.
Before thinking I fire five more times.
The man stops moving and a stack of green bills falls out of his pocket.
"Wat?" I don't even bother with proper pronunciation.
I sit cross legged on the floor and look at my attacker. Or my ex-attacker to be more specific.
I look at the weapon in my hand. Where normally you would see the manufacturers name it only says "Pistol"
"Wat?" Yeah I am very eloquent today don't you think?
There is a loaded gun in my hand, there is a dead body in the room. I need to think!
As in on autopilot I press the magazine release. It slips right out. I pull the slide back and a single cartridge goes flying. I check the chamber and mag well. Both empty.
I point the gun up and dry fire in the air. Its not a rim fire so I get to do that. Also fuck you everybody that say you should never dry fire.
I keep trying to think and only thought that enters my mind is how do you field strip a M1911.
I need a cigarette, looking around the room I find no such luck. Empty bottle an fine collection of different colour stains. A disgusting looking mattress, a piece of rag that I though was a blanket, but it could be a towel at some point. A window on one wall and doors on two others. That is about the sum total of furniture in the room.
I took stock of the situation. There is night outside. There is a dead body in my room. There is a gun in my hand, I'm now a woman, a very skinny woman at that. But not attractive skinny, more like malnutrition skinny. I'm also black, did I mention that?
My stomach is grumbling. I ignore it. It does it again. Ok fine I am hungry. I also do not see a phone in the room. I need to call the police, about the home invasion and my self-defence.
Yes I'm going out to report the crime, not to get something to eat. Yes I'm going straight to the nearest law enforcement I can find. Not to get something to eat. No sir.
Standing up I reach for my wallet. I look at it.
It is the first familiar thing I see since I woke up. I look in side. No bills, no coins either for that matter. There is a ID. I read it. A California Driving license, Name Saskia Jefferson. Born May 1st 1959 in Los Santos USA. The name says nothing to me, the place of birth sounds familiar.
"Wat?" Did I mention I'm feeling very eloquent today?
I check in the only reflective surface I can find, the window, and look at the refection. The face that is looking back at me fits the photo ID. But I'm almost sixty? I don't feel sixty. And from I can see in the reflection this woman, well I also don't. My stomach grumbles again. Ok fine. I know I'm hungry, but I have no money. My stomach grumbles again. I look at the stack of bills next to the man. My stomach grumbles some more.
"Ok but if we get arrested for murder AND robbery it is all on you." I say looking accusatory at my stomach. It says something about the state of your sanity if you are yellings at your own body parts.
I grab the money on the floor and go out.
First door turn out to be the closet. That was embarrassing.
Second door lead outside.
Now I go out.
--------------------------
Turns out there is a pizza place something like 300 meters from where I woke up.
Going inside I find the place not really all that clean but whatever I'm not that picky. I get my order and sit down to eat.
"This is A Raid!" I hear some young man yelling pointing a pistol at the guy behind the counter. I know the drill I duck under the table.
"Ryder? Not this again"The cashier doesn't look impressed or worried.
"What You talking About It 'aint me fool" The robber replays.
The somewhat calm delivery is at odds with the situation. The patrons are covering just like I do. But they don't seem all that worried.
Ryder? I recall that name. I look at the only other person still standing. A young man in white T-shirt.
That's Carl Johnson, CJ.
There is shooting around me. Somehow I don't pay it much attention.
The Cashier, Ryder and CJ run out of the place. The patrons return to their seat. I walk outside.
The cashier is running after a retreating pick up firing a shoot gun. I look around.
There is a barber shop in front of me. There is an auto repair shop to the right.
I look at the name of the Pizza place.
"Well Stacked Pizza."
Men in purple are walking around in groups.
If I was writing this, I do fancy my self some what a writer, I would have my focus character have a blue screen of death flashing before its eyes.
But People don't do that. So no error message in my view.
Carl Johnson, cars of makes I never heard of driving down the streets.
I'm in the world of the video game Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.
"MOTHERFUCKER!" I yell at the top of my lungs
'Fuck it' I think to myself, 'we will see how its goes.'
I'm also still hungry.
I get back to the pizza place to finish my meal and maybe get another.
Eat now, think later.
2.
Two meals and 20$ of my attacker money later. My head was far clearer, and I begun to take stock in the situation.
I was a self-insert in caricature of early 1990's USA.
San Andreas. Los Santos, and Gonton were not a good places to be in.
How I got here was really not important. Getting out was.
My train of thoughts was derailed by the sound of gun shoots to my left. I dropped flat. Two cars drove by with the passengers on both were shooting at each other. The engines roar as they speed by. The moment they were out of sight I got to my feet and run straight to the room I woke up in.
It was a short distance but I was out of breath after not more that a hundred meters. After that the best I put myself to was nothing more that a casual jog.
Still I run up stairs and in the apartment that was either mine, or the guy that I murdered. The moment I got inside I grabbed the gun still on the floor and rammed the magazine in the mag well.
Safety off, slide back. Round in the chamber. I put the safety back on. The gun was ready. I spot the single cartridge on the floor. I bent over to pick it up, pulled the clip out. Screw you I'm calling them clips from now on. I put the round in the clip counted the rounds inside. Eleven rounds.
That action finished, I collapse out of breath.
God damn it! I never was this much out of shape. I used to run half marathons in my training routine.
This woman was a wreck!
What could I do. So far I didn't alert the authorities to the 3 shootings that took place in the span of last 30 minutes.
I looked at the dead body on the floor.
I evaluated my options.
Option one: Do nothing. Nope not happening.
Option two: Call the cops ,see what happens.
For all I known this apartment could be his, and I was the one on the wrong side of the law. If that was true the best I could hope for was self-defence in a domestic dispute.
Option Three: Skip town. Yeah and go where Einstein. San Andreas is an Island water on every side. The smell was beginning to get offensive. I need clearer air to think.
Screw it. I just killed a man. I'm calling the cops.
---------------
The first place I got to was the Barber Shop. The barber looked like someone that would let me use his phone. I hoped.
Going through the door. Getting through the door an elderly got out from his seat.
"Saskia, long time no see." He greeted me."Here for a hair cut. My skill in those new fancy lady hair styles is not that impressive but I will do what I can."
That surprised me. The man knew me by name and I forgot his. In my defence he was just a single mission NPC. I always just picked the most expensive cut from the list and that was that.
"Well sir, I'm not here for that" I said politely."I hate to trouble you but would I be posible for me to use your phone. I need to call the police."
"What happened?" He asked, I couldn't read him all that well, but he did look concerned.
"You know where I live?" I asked testing the waters.
"Yes, you have a little apartment in a house near by." Good to know maybe the apartment was mine. My case started to looking far better.
"Well I was attacked. Someone barded in and kicked me when I was sleeping." I told my story."We struggled, I got my hands on his gun, I panicked I fired. He is dead, I think."
No need to tell him I fired a couple of rounds at a man curled up in a foetal position.
"Oh my Lord" the man exclaimed"Please sit down. I will call them for you." The man mentioned for the seat, and picked up a phone that hanged on the wall. He dialled an number that I assumed was 911. Holding the receiver to his ear, he turned to me. "It is terrible what is happening in this neighbourhood, decent folk being attacked in their own homes.
I sat down on the chair he pointed. For the first time I got a good look at my face. Crack Whore and Junky were one of the kindest descriptions that could be applied to me.
I tuned out what the man was saying over the phone. I was fully engrossed in the study of my face and features. I rolled up my sleeves and checked my hands for needle marks. Thankfully I didn't found any. One bullet dodged I guess. Still this body had potential, a lot of healthy food and she, well I, could look somewhat presentable.
"Saskia, the Police said there will be over soon." he said "So in the hour or 5 that you wait, why don't you get a hair cut?"
I don't know was it him gently pointing out I have a crews nest on my head, or if he was trying to get my money. If the later joke on him the money is not mine. I already spend 20$ why not a bit more. Plus I wondered I he could do the same magic he could in-game. Turning CJ default short hair in a mo-hawk was bullshit not to mention clean shave CJ could walkout with a goat tie. If he could do something like that, maybe, just maybe, I could do something in this world. If I got landed on this perversion of caricature of Los Angeles I may have some fun with it.
"That sounds good, anything you can recommend?" I asked
"Girl I can torn you in to Foxy Brown"
The mental image of me with a full blown afro was too hilarious. I let out a snort of amusement. At least that was my intention. What escaped my lips was a very girly giggle. Stupid body with stupid muscle memory. Does muscle memory even work like that. You know what muscle memory is my story and I'm sticking with it. I do not giggle like a school girl.
"You know what please, Sir do your magic!"
----------------------
That was not the best idea I had. Turns out the guy could do a lot but there was no re-do button. So yeah, I sat there with a Pam Grier afro.
The man looked very pleased with himself. I paid him the 500$ he asked for. Wow. That was close one third off all the money I had. Still what ever I will most likely end up in jail very soon. The cops were not here yet. I told the nice and very expensive barber that I'm going to get something. And will be back in a jif. He said that its no problem if the cops show up before I comeback he will just direct them to my place. Somehow I suspected he thought I'm skipping town. Not that I'm that good at reading people but he ended with.
"I wish you the best of luck, and take care of yourself."
Not the 'see you soon' he gave CJ in-game, then again CJ did have him call the cops on himself. Maybe the guy wished me luck dealing with the police. So I'm 50/50 on that one.
My next stop was "Binco" store a bit down and on the other side of rail-road tracks.
The motto "more trash for less cash" that hang over the entrance was very much fitting. But the clothes they had was clean unlike what I had on.
I chose long pants and a jacket. Total purchase of 97$. Yes officer the guy I shot had 1237$ on him. No way was it 1854$. I did not spend 617$ of the man I murdered on going to a restaurant getting my hair done and buying new clothes. No Sir Mister Officer Sir.
The rags, I had on went in to a plastic bag, guess the cops would want them. I doubt they will test for gun powder residue as I was very much going to tell the that yes he is dead and I shot him. Still evidence and all that.
As I walked back in the direction of my residence.
A teenager stopped me. He was wearing green to inform people of his gang affiliation. The yellow joint in his hand was lit.
"Lady you should have not called the cops." He said puffy cannabis smoke in my direction. What, I do know how it smells I was a teenager once. A life time ago, and a world way.
"And why is that?" I asked, the kid was laid back and didn't look intimidating. I didn't fear him. I maybe in a body that a strong brease could flip over but 9 years doing security told me enoght to atleast defend myself. I mentally kicked myself for thinking like this. He was in the gang. One of him was no problem four of him with baseball bats and Tec-9 would make a short work of me.
"Lady you shoul'd have called me. There is a body in at your pad I could make it go away, and it wouldn't even cost you that much."
I rolled my eyes.
"You are about as big as I am, you would be able to lift him." I said. For somereason I put my hand on my side and cocked a hip. Ok clearly that was just muscle memory.
"Shit, not like I would do it alone I would help you move it or something." He looked afronted,"And put some meat on those bones no nigger wants a skinny bitch."
"I apprecheate your input, but could you kindly. Fuck off."
"You nasty ass skank ass bitch!" He spat in my direction. "This a free country and I will hand where ever I wish to, skank ass bitch."
In the corner of my eye I spot some purple.
"Tell that to them." I said pointing in the direction of four men in purple.
The kid took one look in the direction and went off running like the hounds of hell were on his heels.
"Hehehe" The lought made me spin in its direction.
An old guy got up from a porch. How did I not see him sitting there was beyond me. This body situational awarness sucked ass.
"Don't mind my grandson." said the old timer. "He acts like a big bad Grove Street OG but he is a good kid."
"No problem sir."I said smiling, so far only positive interactions I had in this world was with old men. The cashier in both the Pizza place was going on autopilot and the girl at binco was far to cherry for it to be real. "I don't mind."
"Johnny is a good kid. He used to live with me, but now that this area is full of those boys that wear purple, he needs to stay at his aunt."
Even if the oldtimer was friendly, I really seen on point of me talking to him. He reminded me of my naybour in my first appartment building. Nice friendly and always happy to talk. Problem is he kept telling the same 4 stories over and over again. The one how he wanted to go invade Czechoslavakia with the others in 1967 was one of his favorites. Considering now is 1992 ,or 91 need to check that, and he looked over 80, I have no time for his story about how he hunted Pancho Villa. Man my math sucks. He was far to young for that. Back then he was still going to school.
"Well sir I have to go and wait for the police and probably get arrested."I said "So if you don't mind I be going now."
"Its good to hear you young people still have some respect for your elders." The smile the guy gave me was radiant. His teeth were pearly white."I think you wont get arrested, today. Just tell the cops how he kicked you when you was sleeping and how you shot his balls off inself defence."
"How do you know about that?" I asked actually curious. I did not told this part to the barber.
"You live here long enough to know news travel fast." I rased a single eyebrow at that. Ok it maybe skinny and the wrong sex but my real body never could do that. Yay for muscle memory.
"He you know how old people are, we have far to much time on our hands. Missis Kennedy told me, she said seen the whole thing, But I doubt she did. The old bat probably heard in and passed it along."
All hail the geriatric brigade! I though bitterly. Why is it that old people consider looking out the window to be more interesting that the TV. In my old life when one time the police dropped me off at my place, the news was that I'm a gangster. The second time it happened every old lady on the block thought I was in the Police. Old gossips are the same in every city.
"Sir I really need to get going."
"You are a goof kid, Saskia" Great another person that knows my name."So I tell you this. Don't go to you place, theres a dead body there. Go to the gym or the pizza place. Either way it will put some meat on your bones."
Yet another person telling me I look skinny. The annoying thing was they were right. I did look like a walking sceleton.
"Thanks for the tip." I said smiling, Noticed I do smile a lot. I blame the germans for that one."I will be going to the gym now."
"Good for you, healthy body healthy mind."
"Sir I you don't mind me asking." he montioned for me to continue."Could I get the number of your dentist." I smiled for the first time showing my teeth. I know how they looked like, yellow is not a color teeth shound have.
"No problem" he reached for his pocket and pulled out a visit card with a phone number and an address. I will be checking that place out if no one arrests me today. "You got to the gym and let off some steam. I will call them if the cops arrive."
Yeah Gym sounded right about right. If CJ could go from a skinny guy to a bodybuilder in something like a week in-game. Maybe, just maybe, this stick figure of a body gets to look like a human being in a month or so.
3.
The gym was nothing special. It was a gym.
As I entered the gym trainer, I guess he was the owner approached me.
"You looking for someone?" I was expecting something like this. I was not your standard clientèle.
"No, came to get in shape." I replied
The guy gave me a one over saying I needed it. Oh screw you to.
I got to the treadmill and turned it on. Level 1 was way too slow for me. I pushed the button till level 7 till I got any real work out done. I'm my real life I was no sprinter, long distance running was more my thing. But here, I had no problem sprinting. It was a bizarre experience.
Outside the tread mill I couldn't run 100 meters, here the number on the treadmill was going just turned in four digits and I had no problem keeping my pace.
"Hey lady, cops are at your place" It was the owner that called out. I said my thanks and got off.
Turns out this little treadmill time did wonders for my condition. I think I managed to sprint good 300 meters before dropping to a jog.
As the guy said there was a police car parked on the side walk.
I walked in the building head high.
-------------------
"Hey this Is a crime scene." Said a cop as I tried to get in the door of my apartment. There were two uniform cops inside. As I got in the one of them was going through the pockets of the dead guy.
"I know I'm the one who called."
"Oh, you seen what happened?" He asked
"Yes Sir."It was funny calling a guy ten years my junior a sir.
As I gave my statement. The two of them looked bored. The moment I extended my hand with the money in it they both perked up. One cop snatched the money from my hand and started counting.
"I don't know how much it is." I said faking ignorance."I'm not good with numbers"
"There is 50 bucks here." Turns out my body has a great poker face. Not as single muscle twitched, on my face. I just gave him something like over 1000$.
I extended my hand with the plastic bag. Here are the clothes I had on, that's evidence right.
The one not counting the money took it from me.
"There was also this." I said taking out the gun. I'm not that stupid. I didn't just pulled a gun on two police officers. I held it by the barrel with my thumb and forefinger.
The pistol went in the same plastic bag my stinking clothes were. Real professional there.
"Yeah this looks like a clear case of self-defence." Said the one with the money. Then he came close to me. Looked me in the eyes and added. "Don't do it again. Will be watching."
"Sir, yes sir."
"Good keep clean now." Then he walked out.
"What about the dead guy?" I called out after them as they descended the stair case.
"Call the morgue." said one to the other and they were gone.
That was one surreal experience. Deciding I don't want to wait in a room with a dead guy, I went out for a walk.
As I walked I started thinking. So this is San Andreas, what I do know about the place. Not much turns out.
I did remember two spots in the area where I could find guns, but that was about it.
'Emmet' he is a guy that gave CJ a gun ,for free I might add, in one of the early mission.
Hell so far I had a good track record with old guys around here. On the other hand, the guy sold guns, he didn't just gave them away. I nixed the idea. The one other place I remembered was next to the train station. There was a MP-5 behind a little wall.
It doesn't hurt to try. I decided and went on my way. As I walked through a residential area a taxi parked on a drive way in front of me. The driver got out and went in to the house. I just stood there observing.
There was a taxi and no one in it.
As casually as I could I approached. I looked around. No one was looking at me.
Ok this is the GTA world. I tried my luck. The doors were opened. I got in. The keys were in the ignition.
Seriously?
This can't be that easy.
-----------------
Turns out it was that easy. I just drove out of the drive way and out in to the city. Funny thing about the taxi. Someone said it was to be a Chevrolet Caprice. I didn't see the resemblance. Another thing I found interesting. Was the gear box. It was an automatic, so surprise here, this was America. It was strangely marked though. G S and B. Turns out those letters were Drive, Neutral and Reverse. "Go" "Stop" and "Back" I guess. As for the radio. The best thing about it was the OFF button. Now I was down town, the taxi light was one and I was looking for a fare. My first costumer was a young girl in trashy clothing. She wanted to go to down town Ammu-Nation. Turns out with out the map and an icon navigating Los Santos was not that easy.
That was not really a problem. The problem was, all the other matherfuckers on the road!
I did not see a single person use a blinker. I actually checked the car I was driving if they actually worked.
Yes they worked, so why was no one using theirs boggled the mind. It was like Germany all over again.
Also who the hell gave all those people driving licences. I seen something like 50 accidents and traffic violations.
It irked me.
But when in Rome. I never run so many red lights in my life.
Still I drove for hours, I had to drive to a gas station twice. Turns out there is no such thing as infinite fuel. Good to know. Finding fares was not as easy as it was in game, but it was still quite easy. I seen someone trying to flag down a cab every 5 minutes or such. I had 7 costumers before someone asked me to drive them to the train station. Parking the cab I went to a place I know a SMG was.
There was no SMG in sight. Guess you wont find guns just right there on the floor. That would be silly. Then I remembered the talk with the cops. This was a silly place. I started knocking on the pavement. My search yielded results. One of the tiles was loose. I lifted it and found a brand new MP-5 Sub-machine gun. As with the 1911 the only writing on the side said Sub Machine Gun.
I ran to the cab and hid the weapon under the driver seat.
It was when I started having trouble keeping my eyes opened, that I decided to go back.
I parked next to the Pizza place. Not wanting to go back to the whole in the wall that was my apartment I went to sleep in the cab.
-----------------------
Waking up the next day, the first thing I did was get breakfast, a salad at the pizza place. Then I gone to the Gym. and tried the dumbbells. I was 'Pumping Iron' till the trainer guy told me that I had enough and I shouldn't over train. He shoo-ed me out after that.
The gym works by magic, in real life you don't go from, famine victim to having pronounced biceps after a single gym session.
If this place worked like that I decided I'll getting a job.
A nasty smirk appeared on my lips, oh I going to do some game braking.
4.
Operation job hunting was progressing nicely.
That is I parked my stolen taxi in front of the Police Precinct.
Got inside and asked are there any openings for the police academy. People I asked were looking at me like I grown a second head. That however did not deter me. I keep asking question till I find out. There was no such thing as a police academy. They did have a lecture hall in the basement though. I got a form to fill out.
The form was fairly standard. It turned out I only needed to write everything I had on my driving license.
After that I got a multiple choice test.
You remember those multiple choice test you had to fill out in school, those easy things that you only needed to attend class and listen to get a passing grade?
If I told you this one was easier I would not be giving this thing justice.
Under each question there were 3 answers.
'Yes' 'No' and 'Que?'. No really the third option was 'what' in Spanish.
And the questions were even more of a joke. The first asked me if I was an illegal alien. Next asked me am I on drugs. My favourite was 'a driver flips you off is it ok to shoot him'. I ended up circling 'No' under every single one.
After tense 3 minutes where some overweight officer checked my test I was told, to comeback Monday 8 AM sharp. I had to ask what day was today. One awkward look and an answer later I was out the door. So its Friday today good to know.
Going out of the precinct I had mixed feelings about the whole thing. On the one hand GTA Police was a joke, they would be glad to have me. On the other, GTA Police was a joke, the hell I was doing around those idiots?
I had the whole weekend to burn.
I had my routine all planned out. Wake up, go to the gym, train. Go to the pizza place, eat. Get on my BMX. No, I have not stolen it. It was just standing there all alone in the skate park. Drive to the beach swim. Get bach to my bike. Go to sleep. Repeat.
I know what you are thinking. I'm grinding like there is no tomorrow. But you know what? Have you ever got instant results from your training. No? Me neither, I gain something like 20kg, yes some of that was fat, but the rest was pure muscle. I never was in such a shape. Not even right after getting out of the army. Hell I was confident that I could take my Army self on with this body and win!
Do I sound far to please with my self. That's the endorphins for you. Natural high that does not cost a dime! Yeah me. Going to sleep was far easier now. Oh did I mentioned. I'm sleeping back in my apartment. The dead body was gone. The morgue people most likely. I was out so I don't really know.
But lets get back to me sleeping better. You know the saying. 'I'm laughing because if I don't laugh I'll start crying.'
You don't? Well, it applies to my situation. I'm in a hostile world, no way to get home, and I'm in a body that is not mine. Luckly there are no mirrors in my apartment. Tomorrow I will start my Police training.
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Police training sucks! The guy giving us lectures says everything in the most bored voice imaginable. I slapped my face four times not to fall asleep, and it not even 8:30. I wouldn't be so bad if I could learn something from those lectures. But no, what they are giving us is security guard one-oh-one. Fuck I could give the same lecture he does and do it better. This is the third time I'm taking this same fucking lecture. First in Poland for the stupid 2012 Euro Football Championship, then in Germany because Germans don't recognise Polish security certificates, now in made up US of A. I check my schedule 100 hours of lectures. Ten hours a day five days a week. After that we have 50 hours physical training. After that we get practical training with a training officer. 100 hours. So in Los Santos it takes 250 hours or 5 weeks to become a respected officer of the law.
The guy is still going on about fire extinguishers. And to make it even better he gets things wrong. I hope you do try to put out a electric fire with water extinguisher, like you just told a class off 50 people. Idiot!
As for my class, I'm the oldest person here. At 33 I'm 10 years older that the oldest guy here.
Wait back up, did I say 50 people, its only 45 now. Five guys walked out already.
Before the class started I didn't get the chance to talk with anyone but I did to a cursory glance
There are only 4 other women in the class, making me the fifth. There are 12 black people in the class making me the 13th. Did I mentioned I'm black? No, must have slipped my mind. If you wake up with a different gender little things like the melanin level in your skin don't even register.
As I try to occupy my mind with something better to think about someone passes me a note.
"Miss please read to the rest of the class what is so important that you are passing notes in class instead of paying attention." The lecturer noticed, he may have the most boring voice of any human alive but he does have a sharp eye.
I stand up and pretend to read, might as well have some fun. As I do stand up the guy next to me that passed me the not tenses up.
"Is this guy for real? I seen more spunk in a dead seagull. Also what is he smoking? He told us we should use water to put out fire on electric wiring. He should do exactly that maybe he wake the fuck up. Dumb ass cracker."
A chorus of laughter comes from the class.
The guy next to me is white so the last part was there just so he won't get in trouble.
Well the lecturer looks far more lively that a second before, there is far more colour on his face that before.
"Bring that note here!" The guy is livid.
I crumble the note in my hand and put it in my mouth.
"Sorry sir I think I must have lost it." I say.
"You think your so funny!"The lecturer says.
"Not particularly, no. Sir" I reply, truthfully for a change.
"Sit back, down!!!"The guy says through gritted teeth.
I do as ordered. The rest of the lecture is even less interesting. The guy is now reading to us from a manual.
Fuck my new life!
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Nine hours later the lecture is over. Every body gets up and cue to the exit. I find it ironic that a lecture about fire code was conducted in a hall that does not keep to it. The single door is far to narrow.
I can't wait to get out.
Outside I find that someone stole my bike. Looks I will be walking. I can't wait till physical training start. Got to be in the best shape possible. Swimming it is. I guess I can squeeze in four hours in before I need to turn in for the night.